Ever since I had a say in it, I've never been sober.
I've never been sober for 21 days straight. not consciously. not on purpose.
Why am I doing this? Not because I have to, that's for sure
and I think I'm still the same dezi, but with sobriety being the new drunk. I like to feel all of this. I like going to parties and being myself, under control, and in all my weirdness.
I like feeling every little thing. I like feeling too quiet, or even bored in a situation that I would have "fit" perfectly in before. This is me getting bored with my-self of yesterday, and trying something new today for no other purpose than to stir shit up. Keep myself interested in this stagnant academic state. It's wild to feel around social situations, with a heightened clarity. To be, quite literally, the conscious observer, and "participant" but only in the anthropological sense. Ethnographic field work where my body can take a deep breath. And I'm not going to get all into the preachy, I feel so wonderful, smarter and light since I stopped drinking. No, because I still eat sugar like it's my job, and I have not found the key to success. Its just another act to keep myself entertained, interested in this life. I just happen to like it for now. Who knows, day 22 maybe I'll binge just like 17 year old me would have loved to.
I've never been so removed before (in the best sense of the word). I have only been on the computer for business purposes in the last two- almost three weeks. I still check the notifications on the facebook, and reply to family and friends because I don't want to be rude. But that's an obligation I hold myself to because I don't want to be totally selfish in this way. My focus is shifted elsewhere. I can't even remember what I did before on the computer. Besides to write useless blog entries like this one about where I'm at in life. And to those 3 people (maybe) who actually read far enough into this, they all know that I've never put too much energy in revising and making this something worth reading. Rather a place that I can carelessly throw my ramble, and interest in music. I like that those are mine now. totally private if I want. My music is my bubble bath, my facial and massage. My love notes and bible. My music is the calm in my being. My music is where all beauty stems from, and in my opinion, everything needs a soundtrack. If you are a person without a soundtrack, I am uninterested in you. I hold so highly my music, like it is all defining, the most important faucet to my personality. I will never, could never reply "I listen to everything" because such a whorish statement does not do justice to the thoughtful pieces that accompany me wherever I go. Each day is a song, with many verses, many changes of pace, a complex tone. Pay attention to the rhythm because in that you will figure me out.
Listen to my rhythm boy, and you will be mine. Keep up with my rhythm, learn the dance, and lyrics. Learn the influences and verses and you will be mine. Out of step is okay, just fall back into it. Let my song tell you where to move next, where to put your hand, and twirl me. Be brave, be fearless in song and dance and we will make beautiful music.
These last couple weeks have been really defining in my life (i think), and I feel a somewhat obligation to update this blog to say that. I feel like I should let someone or something in on the changes that I have been through. Deep, core changes. A paradigm shift of a winter, to align me with myself. I am more me right now than I have ever been in my life. I am more focused, driven since these changes, and I want nothing more than to cultivate what I've learned about the strength of letting myself feel. Instead of pushing the muck aside to feel the fun, feeling it briefly, and then letting it pass. I can see how it gets so confusing. How feeling good all the time is better than feeling a little bit awkward in front of a cute boy. So then it becomes a situation where you need that to make you feel comfortable. But my truth is that I need people in my life who appreciate my unfine moments. Those who can see the beauty in my struggle, and don't notice that I haven't brushed my hair. Those who think its more unattractive to be flawless than to be real.
You see, there are just so many talkers in this world. People talking about what they will do. It is my intention to not be one of those people, and if I have been in the past, then to leave that forever. Promises are for people who need a contract. Why make a promise to someone else other than yourself. And, a mistake I've made before, why put weight into a promise given to you by someone else. As if you need what that act of promising from them, more than what they will show you. The follow through of a promise is just as important as the promising act. Someone who talks and does not follow through is someone you should not give your heart to, because their heart is not full enough to be writing off a promise for later.
Something Kurt Vonnegut said, that has stayed at the front of my mind:
"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people that are reckless with yours."
Besides being in love with spending so much quality time with myself, and myself only, that's where I'm at. I feel no other need to explain myself.
that being said: the best new album that I've listened to this month, a free download I stumbled upon: Kenneth Pattengale & Joey Ryan http://www.foursix.net/2010/
Its a thoughtful, well-composed and intriquite but light-hearted soundtrack to the rain that is springtime . It transitions well with the season's attempts to let the sun shine through the clouds. His lyrics makes the rain bearable, and the easy guitar riffs make the passing sun feel warmer. A very good find.
