Beaches and Fishing with Uncles

That the coast was a sad place for me yesterday
It's not always like that - sad
That a place so infinitely beautiful could let me feel melancholy
and also, me kicking myself - how could you be sad right now?
when its windy and there's no one to hold me
It puts me in a daze,
my mind elsewhere and my gaze nowhere
and I day-dream of who you are, and when you'll come around
When you'll travel to different beaches with me, not confined to one continent
You can keep up, and I can slow down
All that joy observed of people loving and being loved on the sand, in the waves
and I feel so small, and ever-so lonely
The beach always makes me sad in the same ways holidays and family vacations do
I long for a love of my own, someone to be on my level and make this actually enjoyable, instead of supposedly enjoyable
It's probably unrealistic to think that I should be glowing happy every time I see the beach, now that I live there - is this what growing up feels like?



___________________________________


but this morning was different
I was an amatuer let in on a professional world
I was treated like a local
and i acted like I knew what i was doing
i was let in on this grand thing
a man's fishing world
one where they can be raw, untamed smokers
there they dont have to say anything
there they answer to no one but mother nature
in a sense they are all man
in another sense they are all boy
i saw them in a different light, they let me in on the one thing that gives them great pleasure
oneness with nature and themselves
if only women had the outlet that fishing provides men
if only
I was accepted in, and I ate donuts and drank black coffee with the salty veterans
I was raw
for a minute I forgot about all things womanly that keep you tied into this bodily caller, answering to your aches, pains and primps
being a woman is painful, weighty, and burdensome
but if you can for a minute, leave all of your baggage in one place, and go free
no hair, no makeup, no ovaries - just for two hours at 5 in the morning, barefoot on a dowdy beach
you find yourself raw
painless, present, un-pre-occupied

Don't forget what its like to be young

Maybe it's my new surroundings,
in a city-state that lingers on an "eat your heart out" aire of  has-been youth
These beaches were once beautiful, clean and safe
And now they are worn and forgotten.
Only the plush beaches survive and you haven't made it until you have the best of the best

Remember the nights when your friends went out, and you felt like you were going to miss an important social opportuinty?
Remember the feeling of being unallowed
Remember boredom and people telling you 'no'
Remember when you wanted to see your favorite bands but they told you no
Remember when you missed out

Remember when you stayed sober and saved your money
Remember when you were ready to be 21 when you were 16
Remember getting ahead of yourself, and into a lot of trouble
Remember waiting
Waiting to turn a certain age, to act a certain way, and do certain things.
Don't forget the first half of your life, the one you anticipated the second half of your life.
Don't give up youth for a life of car payments, loans and rent and dating, bars and stationary life.
Don't give up on the spirit you were born with, and the desire to move and move and be the best you can
Don't get tired or bored, and if you do, change it right away.
Don't be afraid to love unconditionally and fearlessly
Don't be afraid to let someone love you back.
Get tattoos, and don't worry about the implications, people wil like you anyways, and if they don't, their loss.
Keep your edge,
Don't listen to different music for other people
Remember where you came from:  Mountains, trees, punk rock and instruments
when you feel like shit, take it outside and let your mother take counsel


A letter to my future self,
stay weird,

desirée