I often wonder who I am
or rather,
who I was, before all of these adornments, all of this lacy, colorful baggage (C)
before I was poised and painted, loved and hated
who was I?
at the deepest level, what is Ve+ Vg = Vp of me?
before when I was a little girl, and smiling was really easy
I had careless blonde afro, freckles and bugbites
lots of bugbites
before I was a punk, class president, tattoer, musician, barista and
before my parents caught me sneaking out, stealing cars, kissing boys
before my love was lost
before my heart was broken into non-existence, no glue existed to put it back together
before my virgin body had ever tasted caffeine, beer, smoke
it doesn't matter if that is who I am, or this is who I am.
I would like to have a conversation with my then self, just for old time's sake.
I remember that day that I was taught to question myself, I had never thought about disliking myself until I starting hanging out with these girls, they were seniors and I was a freshmen. They hated themselves, but I loved them.
I had never looked in the mirror and disliked what i saw, until I saw them do it with such passion. That was a snowball, and this is where I am.
I am remembering that there was a time when being happy was jumping into the cool valley river over and over again. Happiness was snuggling with my kitten, writing in my diary and painting my nails. Happiness was my first cd and cd player. Happiness was a camp out friday night in the living room with my parents - a fort, a tv dinner, and a movie with my family. God I miss that. Things are so different now. I would like to say that things are better, but I would be lying to myself by saying so.
Things are just more complicated now. And I know everybody says that. Us humans - always attaching evolution with progress, intricate with progress. More is more, excess is success. Why do we need all of these things. The bigger the cake gets, the more we want for ourselves, yet the less we actually enjoy it. You have all the cake you could ever want, but the party's over and you have no friends to enjoy it with.
Even though I'm nostalgic for the simplicity of the past, I'm not so sure I would go back there, if I had the chance, I like my complicated life, and the potential it holds. I'm on the edge of something great, and I cannot let go of any of my little intricacies. It is those intricacies - the many facets that make me (insert word here for one-of-a-kind)
My Guys
What I miss most, though, is my guys. My guys, ahhhhh. The best guys in the world. I would call them brothers, except that I've been romantically involved with most of them at one time or another. I miss their energy. Their drive, we'd drive all night, FSU & FTW in the most beautiful and constructive ways. We'd talk about who we wanted to be when we had shed the skin of youth. We'd listen to music, and we'd screaaamm because we could, and together things were just fine. We'd create, and transcend. Well rounded, well grounded, and often high up in the mountains. Something in the moon and aire of those times bonded us together, something I haven't found since. Dating here is pointless, because other guys don't match up to my guys. I keep looking for guys better than my guys, it's just not possible, I miss my guys.
Listening to:
Nick 13 - s/t (new)
Lauryn Hill - The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
Man Man - Rabbit Habbits
Hayes Carll - Trouble in Mind
