Career woman

My chest hesitates sitting down to write again
It's not that I've lost that girl who wrote the words preceding these
But that she has taken a backseat to the confident and driven woman I am today
Is it arrogant to write about yourself as a changed person? From a year ago
Who cares
I usually do not believe people when they tell me they've changed, and "grown into" this or that
But today I believe that I have
And I do not have time to be self conscious or anxious
My life has come into
Evolved Into
Exactly what I hoped it would in the most turbulent of times
In those times when I was weak and scared and alone
Those which allowed me to speak from this perspective today

She's still in there
She has been politely begging me to let her out
She wants to create with a clear head
She wants to produce art and beauty that express
What lives inside
My art doesn't just live inside, it is a colorful building block in my constitution
It exists as a foundation, and all of these things that seem stable are mere curtains,
Decorations that wear over time
But my art is patient, it is there waiting for me to come back to it, to sit down cross legged on the floor, and catch up with an old girlfriend
That before you know it, you're right back to where you left off
But like the best girlfriend, you don't need to explain yourself, or apologize, or pretend

To the new people that I meet, I find myself asking them for time to be creative
Asking for permission to establish myself as an artist
And maybe I haven't changed, because someone who doesn't care wouldn't ask
Nobody will ever give me the time I need to say/ make what I need
I need to take the time, much like I am right now

When I talk about my new life
And entirely new it is
I feel like I'm bragging
I hear my mother's voice telling me to stop showing off
I hear the way she talks down about what she's been up to
Even the "toned down" version of my story would make my mother nudge my leg from under the table

I've had this blog for years.  years. years.
The poor thing I've never loved and only come to it when I'm most desperate for immortalization
I let my life flow and flow and flow without writing it down
until it comes to this desperate climax when I desperately need to put it on paper and make it real
Not only for the sake of creation, but as my  contribution to those population of people who aren't normal.
I don't do day to day without a second thought and it is an absolute necessity that I reflect, and sit quietly, and nurture this creative beast, this unnamed energy, this sense of knowing of another universe.  If I ignore it I die, and if I do not cultivate it, I get bored.
You don't want to see me bored.
You know, I'm not the best at anything.  I'm a little bit good at a lot of things and in the past couple days I've been down on myself about that.  I'm not a specialist nor do I have a lot of follow through with a lot of the projects I conceive.
And it is so obvious that what I do every single day defines me.  Well what the fuck is that?  What I do everyday is try to act like I know what  I'm doing, and make it seem like I was born with red lipstick on. People become what they think about.  Well if what I'm thinking of is more of a deep desperate hope that one day I can relax into the being that I really am.
I need space to be vulnerable and imperfect.  I only want people who love me the most this way.

I love you so much it drives me crazy.  That when you're not here for me to just kiss every inch of your godly skin, I feel muted, and incomplete. You have much power over me, more than I ever want to admit.  You're the one that I want for breakfast lunch and dinner.  I want you in the sun, in a foreign place.  I want you in our home, asking me to dance.  I want you surprising me, and making me laugh until I can't breathe.  I want you now and forever.

I'm constantly overwhelmed by how hard I fell, but overwhelmed is not surprised because you and I both know that this was meant to be.  Day one with you was an exhale,
I am finally in my lovers arms, and all is right.

I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid of giving up.  I'm afraid of boredom and loneliness.  I'm afraid of sadness, and starting over.  I fear these things, but thinking of these things in the context of looking at you, and knowing that you and I will be, I feel a little better.  I feel a little stronger.

My music

My music is hearty, dense and slow like a stew.
It is thoughtful, deliberate, and meaningful.
My music requires attention, patience, and quiet.
It always has humans playing instruments with intent and love

It is almost impossible for my music to be background music
It inevitably forces itself to the foreground of my experience
I cannot ignore my music

I crave music during the day
Just as the human body craves water and salt
I crave certain sounds, words, feelings, beats, tones
It has the ability to dictate how I see the world, and how I speak and how I dress

My music is a small way for me to be in control of my life
It is my indulgence at any given moment each day

Sometimes I know it is better to participate in the human social environment
but every once and awhile I will treat myself by ignoring all of that
by putting on my headphones and drowning out what everyone else thinks

My music puts me on a different plane than everyone else
In that moment I am experiencing "this", but also another, completely different "this" than you are
I like to try a different soundtrack for the same task, it's like putting on a different colored pair of glasses looking at the same object, but seeing it anew each time.

My music is like my history, each song a different smell, taste, memory
Each of them constructing to compile the memory of who I have been

My favorite songs are my best friends, they travel and change with me
My best friends are my favorite songs, and we are one in the same

Much like my life, I don't "just let" new music in
I wont look at it and declare I like it
I need to spend some time with it
alone time, quality time
I'll know if I like it if I choose to listen to it again or not
I don't put pressure on myself to like anything

I have a rare, fleeting fling with a song or artist
but mostly I'm a relationship type of girl
If I love you once, I'll love you forever
Are we still talking about music?

Of bottom line importance, however:
I don't care what kind of music you listen to
I care about how you treat music: a slutty pick of the month, or a lifelong companion
A sustainable love, or a noisy passerby
Do you like the way the band members look, or the sounds that come out of their instrument
Are you shuffle, or vinyl

You never really figure it out
You've got your big girl pants on, but you feel like a 6 year old, overwhelmed by the side of the worn ice cream truck, frantically trying to decide between the drumstick and the tweety-bird shaped sugary mess, with the gumball eyeballs.
Anxiety is all encompassing and no matter how many meditation hours you've put in your life, they weren't enough and good luck sleeping at night when the shit just keeps piling.
It's so wonderful to have a gorgeous man sleep in your bed every night, make you coffee in the morning, give you a kiss and a good-luck pat on the hiney to start your day.
It. is. so. wonderful.
He's everything I wanted and more.
He's the well-spoken, effective, charged, accomplished, respected person that I need, and he's every bit as handsome as I visualized.
He's a way bigger dork than I knew, and that just makes me weak in the knees, falling in slow motion to the existence that is ours, for as long as we want.
I wonder when I'll tell him that I love him.
It feels like a sin purging it onto this page before I gain the courage to say it myself to his face.
You know that time today when we were talking about our bucket lists at breakfast?  I wanted to burst out and say that If I died tomorrow, my only regret would be not telling you that I love every minute with you, and I hope we continue to grow together.
fearless, fearless, fearless desiree
I don't know, it's the fear that I'll put my love out there and someday regret it because I'm hurt.   This is new, and I'm still learning to trust you with my heart, and slowly but surely it will be yours and then we'll figure out what to do with eachother's hearts.
I'm so happy and so grateful that you're in my life everyday, and that everyday this gets better.

hopefully you'll still think I'm cute after reading my early morning confessions one day, and that tonight while you were out, I washed the dishes with my music packed into my pink fanny pack and danced and screamed in the kitchen like a freak.  Wish you were there.

I think I'm doing the right thing

But this valley is so damned smokey it's hard to tell
I'm doing what feels good
trying to stay on the refined visceral course that I chose for myself when I was removed from this fleshy, portly life on the ground
above the sea
in the mountains
under the pines
in the water
And even though it's a law,
Gravity always works harder when you're at home


Yelling politics because you just. can't. hold it in anymore.
Years of silence and observation planning the fewest words to shut up the ignorant and full of words

words words

STOP DOING WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO
why are you doing that if you hate it so much?
Do you really hate your life or do you need more attention?
I wish you could read from my eyes that
with my silence, using only my eyes and a strong gaze that I am holding a mirror up to your vagrant, blatant, stark ignorance
And by not saying anything, I hope hope hope that you will notice how wrong it looks for you to be buried alive by nothing real in this world
On a different level, and plane of self-hatred than fathomable.
And I love you, but in my gaze I realize that you'll never really see yourself
And when you look in the mirror you probably see only parts and parts
disconnected and mean, in need of a bath of love and

today needs to be documented

because today I wore nothing under a long jacket just to run to the store, but ended up waiting outside of the cajero automatico for 10 minutes with old women after church
because today I chipped my tooth on a bra
because today on the subte as I was going for my pocket to change the song on my iphone, I caught another man's hand in my pocket
then I went for pizza with a best friend
we we're feeling silly so we snuck vodka into our sodas and used strong blue eyes for free things
because today we found a thrift store in a place where thrift stores are still taboo
then we went to volleyball practice and loved life but played like shit
then when I got home I listened to the music that drives me wild.  his music.
and here I am stranded on this continent while he's on another
if only there was virtue in holding in what makes you want to scream

It's out there

Would you believe me if I told you that I don't procrastinate, and I'm always on time when it matters?
Would you believe me if I told you that my favorite foods are healthy and I don't mind cleaning when the house needs it?

Would you believe me if I told you that I would do anything to be happy?
That I always choose the stairs instead of the escalator?  But if there is only an escalator, I like to enjoy the ride.
If I told you I love my body, my mind, my family and myself and that my secret indulgence is thinking about the future?

I believe that if a person is unhappy, or in a bad place, they should make happiness it their number one focus in life.  But only if that's what they want to be.  If they don't want to be happy they can carry on living as they are.

I do not believe that life should be painless.  I believe stress should be momentary and in an instant gone.  I believe in effortless love.  I believe that being thankful for what you have, will bring you more of what you want.

Do you believe in confidence?  Do you believe you can be anyone you want to?  Do you believe that your life will become exactly how you envision it?  Have you ever envisioned your life?  What does it look like?

Sometimes I hold eye contact and smile with people and try to imagine that I'm the only one all day who looks them in the eye honestly.
Sometimes I say yes to eating the last bite.

You'll never know that when I want to feel your presence, I wear the shirt that reminds me of you

The one I carry around the world like a child's blanket

And I wish you could hear every song like I hear it, whatever you are doing

where you are the "you" and the rhythm puts you back into my head like we never skipped a beat

We are back in the mountains, but not just any

My favorite mountains

I want to show you inside and out how much energy you give me

when I sneak a thought during the day, and let it linger on my tongue
and close my eyes and smile deeply,

a secret for me, a break from the unromantic world

I've gotten so good at pretending, but everyone in the room knows I'm not there
they look at me because they can recognize the face of a young girl daydreaming

I'm with you, we are in the river, running alongside, falling into eachother's arms

and staying there

staying right there

And today is one of those days thats going to be harder to carry the weight around

It's tiring work, barebacked in the sun, heavy clothing in the rain

but if it means I get to keep you, I'll do it for no pay

every day

These new people can't figure me out because I wont let them

they'll never know to what extent
I am

Thank you for nothing but these dreams
And listen closely some nights, you'll hear me singing to you
you'll feel it

don't forget about me

We miss mornings

why we youngins hand in our health, for a night making all the wrong decisions, who knows
maybe we take advantage of our health because we are young, maybe our health takes advantage of us
but this, we miss this
the invigorating brisk of aire in our lungs, the first one to the sun
first come first serve
slow coffee and intoxicating notes of music you don't have time to hear usually
I feel so alive, healthy, sexy
all because I did what I know is good for me
sometimes I forget, all the time I forget how great this feels
how perfect the mornings are, before people wake up and change the energy of the day
it is pure and I have the ability to align the world with my good energy
the global day begins a little less harsh, and I have that ability

I am the parents waking up early on easter morning to nibble the carrots and hide the candy
so when the expectant children finally wake, they are elated
I am poised and ready to witness their ecstatic faces at the beautiful day they find
I feel satisfied, and purposeful because I have already had my time to plan the day, to disfrutar.

Maybe it is yet a secret that the first one to see the sun, the breathe the aire methodically and orgasmically, wins
they get the energy, they get the orders for the morning, they get the worm
Go run towards the sun, to get the ethereal orders, and fulfill your purpose before the downers wake up, weeping and groaning about what they did to themselves and each other last night
you are already flying too high to sit and lament with them!
you need not take the time to counsel your body back to health, if that's what you call it!
your body is better today than it was yesterday!
All you missed out on was losing control, a day long puzzle game piecing together the sick prom that was last night, no different than any other night
The music sucked anyways!  But not yours!
Buen dia en Buenos Aires
Good Day in Good Aire

preparations

Is it harder to love from far away
or to not have love at all?

Is it better to miss your touch, or your words?
Is it better to feel the sting of absence than to have never experienced the touch.

I am happy to have tasted the bliss, and have that to look forward to

There are lots of songs about lovers leaving, and they're not all about me
I am choosing to leave, yes
but I am not choosing to leave you

I wish this were me and not Marilyn Monroe

listening to: "Emmylou" by First Aid Kit

the poor pretty girls

they are doomed to a life that is not their fault
they are debilitated by your admiration
and they are doomed to a life of being pretty, but thats all

I would never want to be one of them
poor things

July 22 11:42am

"Children are tropistic; they grow in the direction of light and attention.  That which is ignored in childhood does not develop.  If a child is valued for her accomplishments, she will learn to value what she does more than who she is.  and the voice will step in when she is fulfilling its accomplishments quota" - Women, Food and God

THe Cat Lady

Indefinite free time can make a one wild child into one tame dame
We're trying to do all the things that make a normal day important,
shower, clothes, makeup - going through the motions
folding, cooking, moving - meaningful and helpful maybes
And I'm trying to get excited for the future,
but it's not working, I can't get it up - it's not your fault
This used to be about me vomiting all of my angst onto the internet
but that's neither here, nor there, and the truth is I just want to run and run for days and days
not to get away, but just to run
and to feel my body strong and purposeful
my skin is asking me where the sun has gone
like children for their drunk dad
and I only make excuses, he'll be back in our lives soon


I identify with two words, my name
as well as a short lifetime of things of my past that defined that person
there are comfortable grooves in the road from here to the places I used to go
so it's easy to go there, but not necessarily where a newcomer in an old place wants to frequent
This place is my rebound, and I am once again a kitten aiming for the pounce

Once again a quiet little girl dreamer plotting,
The kind of little girl that you cannot look in the eye
Because her soul is much older than her tiny body
one with fiery blue eyes, you can see the gears turning
She plots for her next life and does not waste energy on the petty
She knows that someday soon her life will be sweeping.  romantic once again
But for now she's finger painting in kindergarten, and that's okay

I'll dance when I want to, cook drunk when I want to
I'll be a young cat lady

One time I fell on a roof
and instead of being concerned about myself almost falling off the roof
I was embarrassed because a lot of people saw it


One time my mom hit a deer with her car
and I was so scared for her life but the words that came out of my mouth were the wrong ones
"Is the deer okay?"

The one month countdown + 'The Last Winter' playlist 2012

What does your travel wardrobe say about you?

I think mine says, "I party."

I want to say thank you to all the people who've welcomed me in their towns, bought me a drink, and showed me a good time.  Someday I'll really be able to thank them by doing the exact same thing for them. 

30 days from now, I wake up after not sleeping in anxiety and anticipation, fear and at long last relief.
A whole slew of preparation, and sacrifice is traded for another slew of action and introductions.
In one day I will have traded one language for another, the life I've known for the life I've chosen abroad.  In one month I am moving to Buenos Aires, Argentina

The worst thing about living in a place that doesn't reach above freezing, is that it really limits your "naked time" due to climate, and your nipples are a constant reminder of how uncomfortably cold this world can get.  But that's it, really

Disclaimer: Please don't just screen through this list of songs and dismiss them.  I realize you're probably a music snob, just like me, but seriously, take a minute out of your really fucking important day to listen to complex, lasting, satisfying music.  I would prefer to give you the hard copy of this, so that you wont do the latter and dismiss my playlist without taking a drive to it, or lighting some candles to quiet your mind for two minutes, but in today's world it's somewhat impossible.  I hope you read, I hope you write, I hope you listen up.  It's good for your bones and soul.  That being said, I give you "The Last Winter" Playlist 2012.




Austin Lucas – Run Around
Whiskey Folk Ramblers – River Song
The Killers – ¡Happy Birthday Guadalupe!
Mariachi El Bronx – 48 Roses
Devendra Banhart – Santa Maria Da Feira
Gotye – Somebody That I Used To Know
Wilco – Whole Love
Ryan Adams – Come Home
Calexico – Dub Latina
Beyoncé – Love On Top
DUKE ELLINGTON – Haunted Nights
Ryan Adams – I Love You But I Don't Know What To Say
John Prine – In Spite Of Ourselves
Etta James – These Foolish Things (Remind Me Of You)

The Storm Before the Calm

Today is December third, and I will be moving to Buenos Aires, Argentina in 59 days.

59 days seems like a long time, but the way time is flying right now, I do not doubt that "leaving tomorrow" will be a topic of conversation earlier than later.

The past couple weeks have been important because I was accepted to my program, and I won scholarships from the Idaho Mountain Express, University of Oregon, and CIEE, all of which are a huge encouragement at this point in the game.  I've been doing some serious soul-searching visualization to plan how I want this trip to pan out.  I've been going to doctors, signing billions of papers, taking an online class, googling pictures of Buenos Aires at 3 in the morning, and running every single damn day...because I want to be in good shape when I get there.  I've been working as much as I possibly can, and selling my things, and tapping into other resources to save for my trip, which is a REALLY hard thing to do in California, around the holidays because all I want to do is buy gifts, drive everywhere, buy cute things, and send mail to my friends, all of which are expensive.  I just keep reminding myself that 5 dollars here, is worth more there - in monetary value, as well as qualitative enjoyment value for the 6 months I'll be there.

It took me one hour to choose, and decide that I would go to Argentina as soon as I possibly could, and do anything I needed to get there.  I was a 20 year old with the insatiable itch to put my toes in international sands.  To speak another language more than my own.  To displace myself, learn the hard way, and change my whole entire life forever.  In the span of one month, I rearranged my whole life plan to make this trip a reality.  I moved out of my house, told my roommates that I wouldn't be living with them, moved to California, started a new job in an office, and now I can feel the dawn of 59 days brightening and warming as I constantly remind myself why I am in this completely new situation.

I chose Argentina because I hate winter, and if I dont see the sun for one day, you want to steer clear of this blonde broad.  I need the sun to be happy, and I'll do anything to be happy.  It seems intense to say that, but having seen unhappiness, and stagnant boredom, I've decided to leave those days behind forever.

I want to be good at documenting my life in Argentina, for my friends, family, and for myself to look back on, and remember the great feelings, and the low feelings.  I want to keep you in the loop with what my new life in Buenos Aires consists of because it is important to me that you I get to share with you. But I also want to remain in your mind, because being so far from everyone I love is going to be harder than I can anticipate, and I'm trying to be realistic and prepare myself...6 months is a long time to go without a hug, a chat, a drink, a dance, a kiss from you.  But that's the most beautiful thing about today's world:  we can send love from wherever we are in the world, and we can feel it.  I am fueled by the love of my family, and friends, and my own ambition to see the world.

winter in a sunny place

To swim in the ocean instead of stuff my face full of animal and grain
to cultivate understanding and work towards a larger goal
to get out of the office, and drink wine in the dark
We are moving moving further apart, breaking away each relationship that could potentially mean something, only to wonder what it is we'd be missing
But if we didn't move, go go go and do what our fathers and mothers wish they did for themselves
We do it for them, and we wonder what our lives would be without their dreams imparted

We wonder when things will be comfortable, and imagine a time when they were
youth young youthful dreams more like burning desires to be understood

And I'm writing this for you
because you laugh at my jokes, and eat what I bake, even if I don't
that you admire my hands and my notes and the way that my brows curve when we get cheap wine drunk together
We can walk outside together, and not notice what fluorescent lights do not do for us.
We understand each other with one candle lit, and no words exchanged.  I am proud of the things that you create.  Because they are perfect and one of a kind.

I can feel your soul from across continents, you can hear mine through the voices of the greats.  You know who they are, and you know who they aren't

Can we skip ahead to this time?  To a vaccuum where our love would survive

Today I tore off my shirt and jumped in the ocean.  It was a catharsis of release and demand. I need you

"With four different lovers you don't get much rest"

attempt 9.5

I've started like five blog entries about how much I miss your arms.
They're never publiched because they sound forced from desperation which they are.
About how I miss his breath and the way his chest vibrates when he speaks to me - the bass of a lover.
A bass that gets me going, makes me want more.
I hear your bass wherever I go, and I seek it out in this state.  I'm going to call this despondent fall loneliness   A brisk time-changing aire that makes your body a breathless, eye-fluttering memory.  And a dream.  Your in my dreams every night, whoever you are.  I never want to wake up, but I keep waking up early, to a dark cold state that's not yours.

Today is the kind of fall, first day of winter day that makes your heart hurt.  It always hurts to go into a new season without someone to lay in bed with

My heart yearns for a man to hold it, and ease this changing of the seasons.  

If you hold me tight enough, I might not notice how cold it's gotten outside.

A little more than I expected

I am not a skeptic of revolution, but I believe it's important to know what it is your fighting for.  One manifesto that a mobilization persons can all agree upon.
Showing your face in the street is the first step
Is this my generation's first attempt at mobilization?

I wish you never even came to my home
because now I know what it feels like when you're gone
and I much prefer this couch when you're on it with me
and I'll be okay,
Its just the urge I get when I walk out of the shower, and my warm cloud dissipates
the cold aire hits and I want to jump back in the shower,
to be warm forever

I hate all the street names here in this type of place
A hopelessly geometrical mind's attempt to set the mood for home
they never had a home, only an asset, and their stupid street names
they only serve to contrast to how ugly your track homes really are
your floozy space blvd, raspy flower rd, el continental, vista sunburn street

I can tell by your voice that you only deliver bad news, and that no one really likes talking to you
that you go home from the office to your family and unleash the asshole anger
that you couldn't on all the telephones conversations today

Tilt your head and laugh at the sky

This torn-down bedroom has naked white walls that make it impossible to ignore the dawn of a new era. 

This furniture-less house, and boxes filled with our things make it easier to begin the process of disconnection from the fun game we've played for one lease-long year.

Laying with one pillow, one blanket - your least favorite ones

Thinking about love, the prospect of movement and change allowing me to be loved,

In a fucked-up, but most rejuvenating, and satisfying way

The impermanence of life makes it glamourous,
a guaranteed graceful exit 

I can feel the change thicken the aire, and quicken the pace

You've only realized it if you've stolen a second to meditate

While that needle in my skin brings me to the present, I also realize that I'll never be the same again

new art for a new life and new self

A reminder to refocus tells me to love what I love, and never let anyone tell me I can't
To be at the same time dissheveled, lovely, successful and focused

I never want to blend in

not even temporarily

I never want to tone it down

And if being myself isn't different, than so be it

but I will not lose my edge, ever

The change comes slowly,
realizing itself onto your friends, and family

They feel it too
  it feels warm and sunny, so we let it happen

syncopation, syncopation, syncopation

You should feel the love now

You should feel flexible and energized

You should feel malleable bliss
let the tempo change

Let the warmness come over you, slow and sexy

Embrace it's kiss, tilt your head back

close your eyes

breathe deep

and give in.

This is the beginning to the rest of your life, and it's going to feel good.
2012

Beaches and Fishing with Uncles

That the coast was a sad place for me yesterday
It's not always like that - sad
That a place so infinitely beautiful could let me feel melancholy
and also, me kicking myself - how could you be sad right now?
when its windy and there's no one to hold me
It puts me in a daze,
my mind elsewhere and my gaze nowhere
and I day-dream of who you are, and when you'll come around
When you'll travel to different beaches with me, not confined to one continent
You can keep up, and I can slow down
All that joy observed of people loving and being loved on the sand, in the waves
and I feel so small, and ever-so lonely
The beach always makes me sad in the same ways holidays and family vacations do
I long for a love of my own, someone to be on my level and make this actually enjoyable, instead of supposedly enjoyable
It's probably unrealistic to think that I should be glowing happy every time I see the beach, now that I live there - is this what growing up feels like?



___________________________________


but this morning was different
I was an amatuer let in on a professional world
I was treated like a local
and i acted like I knew what i was doing
i was let in on this grand thing
a man's fishing world
one where they can be raw, untamed smokers
there they dont have to say anything
there they answer to no one but mother nature
in a sense they are all man
in another sense they are all boy
i saw them in a different light, they let me in on the one thing that gives them great pleasure
oneness with nature and themselves
if only women had the outlet that fishing provides men
if only
I was accepted in, and I ate donuts and drank black coffee with the salty veterans
I was raw
for a minute I forgot about all things womanly that keep you tied into this bodily caller, answering to your aches, pains and primps
being a woman is painful, weighty, and burdensome
but if you can for a minute, leave all of your baggage in one place, and go free
no hair, no makeup, no ovaries - just for two hours at 5 in the morning, barefoot on a dowdy beach
you find yourself raw
painless, present, un-pre-occupied

Don't forget what its like to be young

Maybe it's my new surroundings,
in a city-state that lingers on an "eat your heart out" aire of  has-been youth
These beaches were once beautiful, clean and safe
And now they are worn and forgotten.
Only the plush beaches survive and you haven't made it until you have the best of the best

Remember the nights when your friends went out, and you felt like you were going to miss an important social opportuinty?
Remember the feeling of being unallowed
Remember boredom and people telling you 'no'
Remember when you wanted to see your favorite bands but they told you no
Remember when you missed out

Remember when you stayed sober and saved your money
Remember when you were ready to be 21 when you were 16
Remember getting ahead of yourself, and into a lot of trouble
Remember waiting
Waiting to turn a certain age, to act a certain way, and do certain things.
Don't forget the first half of your life, the one you anticipated the second half of your life.
Don't give up youth for a life of car payments, loans and rent and dating, bars and stationary life.
Don't give up on the spirit you were born with, and the desire to move and move and be the best you can
Don't get tired or bored, and if you do, change it right away.
Don't be afraid to love unconditionally and fearlessly
Don't be afraid to let someone love you back.
Get tattoos, and don't worry about the implications, people wil like you anyways, and if they don't, their loss.
Keep your edge,
Don't listen to different music for other people
Remember where you came from:  Mountains, trees, punk rock and instruments
when you feel like shit, take it outside and let your mother take counsel


A letter to my future self,
stay weird,

desirée

Transient me

Every time I tell a friend that I'm moving, I feel like I let them down a little
that they may think they weren't enough, or I can do better
The hardest part about changing everything is affecting other people
I love these people, I do
There are things that come by during this process of disconnecting from this place: a past crush, a roommate, an ex-coworker, a new friend
it's like the immediate feeling you get after you jump off of a cliff - you know you'll be fine, but an instinct of yours changes your mind about the jump and wants to worm around to grab the ledge for safety, and redress.
But I persist.
That once upon a mountain top, where I feel most at home and myself
this decision came about, to stir shit up and get what I need out of this age

The decision to stop being side-tracked during this life because my heart is elsewhere.  To go find my heart, make peace with it, and then come back to the life I knew, or a new life, and be there.
This, I am doing for myself.  After years of making other people my priority (un-regretting), I'm escaping alone, me and this large universe, to hash it out.  The same universe that would throw a bear in my path, just to make sure that past the bear is where I really want to be.  This time, the bear is a southern gentleman who has wooed and courted and won my affection.  But a determined traveller, with a heavy backpack, does not look back.

Here I go, plugging my nose with my fingers, eyes squeezed tight, with a big goofy smile

Don'cha know???? summer solstice

This seems to happen once a year, maybe twice...  I stay up all night for no other reason than to uncover a life lesson.  One late night epiphany, that would not have otherwise been realized.  It's after 3 a.m. and here I am consoling with my laptop:

So I've become a self-helper.  yes, I said it.  self-help books.  I've made fun of them once upon a time...until I needed some(thing)one to hold my cold hand. Aaaand, since a good, interesting man is apparently so hard to come by, I started dating around in the self-help section of the bookstore.  How to be happy. hmmmmmmmmmm.  Is this even real?  Every once in awhile it's a cheesy, head bobbing, "Yeah!" in a dorky, overly enthusiastic tone.  Where I get stoked to change my life.  I'll get a 10 minute window of being high on self help.  That shit wears off faster than cheap coke and you're back to square one of trying to get stoked via the motivational bible.  For that short time, you have all the advice your friends will ever need, and they don't like to be in the same room with you, they don't care about how to live.

YEAH! ALL RIGHT!

Summer. is my fucking shit.  summer is what I do.  it's what i work towards all year.  I am a playwrite, and this is my debut, year after year.  I have a standard, that each summer needs to be better than the last.

I have to admit I'm a little well, um, hesitant about how I want this summer to go.  What do I love right now?  I love feeling excited, purposeful, healthy, in love.  That's the thing though...I don't feel those things yet.  I am sucking these self help books dry looking for something to get me truly excited about this summer 2011.  I just can't pinpoint it.  Last year was wild, naked, drunk... but that's not what I want this year.  And that scares me.

What truly feels good right now?  Sleep.  Rest, reflection, good food, good beer (singular), reading, writing, drawing, biking, independence.  But, but, but... the whiskey though..?!  I've put this unreal pressure on myself that makes me responsible for everyone's fun.  If I don't pioneer this summer's activities, our party will die off to disease and famine, oxen and all (<---- oregon trail© joke)

bbbrroaaow?

I'm serious, interweb, why do I feel the need to plan for fun, before I go out and do it? I'm waiting to feel EXSTATIC enough to write in all caps.  If I'm not excited, and not happy, then what am I?  Reflecting, deliberate, considerate, scholarly, trabajadura?  Okay, those aren't bad things... so why am I so damn concerned about being the wagon leader of fun?

Because what I like to do is not what everyone else likes to do, and I feel lonely having all of this fun by myself.  Maybe I should get a pet :

 

Yep, a pet it is.

A pet to be my partner in crime.  To cuddle with and do modestly fun, enriching activities.  We can go on a walk after dinner, and cuddle when we get home before we go to sleep.

(also possible: Substitute the word PET with BOYFRIEND)

VOI - FUCKIN- LA

These university people aren't my people.  It looks stupid when a university student has full sleeves of tattoos.  I look at them and think:  Easy life, too much money.

Where are the people who've worked for what they have?

Where are the people who think learning another language is standard, not intangible

why are boobs my biggest qualification, and who gives a fuck that I can't "make it" to dollar beers every fucking wednesday.  God I hope I never go to dollar beers.  I'd rather join a math club and stop plucking my eyebrows.

Sweet, I'll be 21 with a degree, but I've never stood on a moving motorcycle

I've found myself so quiet around people recently.  I feel bored, disconnected, and unmotivated to participate with my friends.  I'm not complaining, just starting to wonder if it's time to meet some interesting people.

you know, lesson of the day - ain't no thang

I have everything I need

xo