just fucking forget about me

I'm going to disappear for the summer
because im sick of communication and what you fucking do to me
I'm looking for inspiration in disgusting places
Im frustrated, and suffocated by the indoors
and by people who want to talk about life
my restless mind has woken me up this morning
not that I really ever slept
or needed rest in the first place
I wont sleep till im tired or eat till im hungry
just as much
I'm not coming home to rest my head until I've explored your woods to my satisfaction
It's not the vastness of the city that is choking me
it is the way we feel so fucking important here
the size of this city makes people feel bigger than they are and even if you've known them for life they'll still try to make you believe so
I'm so fucking sick of these status updates and entries and clever fucking posts because I don't get anything from them
I hate drinking I hate eating I hate smoking I hate this schedule
it is fake and it is fucking my body up
I have so much energy that I dont know what to do with
I've never had so much energy before in my life and if I dont burn it now I will have lost what creativity or sovereign thought that was bursting at the seams
I've never been so wild free careless
just like I've always been
I want my naked summer and I want it now
Where does that begin?  sure as hell not here looking at your fucking ugly face.
My summer does not fucking begin blogging about it and I will NEVER be the type of girl that has a blog. NEVER and you can't make me believe otherwise
This blog should be called : "I'm just spinning my wheels for a second, hold on"
I'll get unstuck soon, just as soon as the ground dries up I'll drive right out of here.
She's going to ask: what the fuck are you doing awake?
And I'm going to reply: "What the FUCK are you doing asleep?? Do you know what sort of time you are missing out on"
It's gross how I feel like I have to wait for a reasonable hour in order to go outside.
In at least 10 minutes I will begin to hike, not away from you, but somewhere that you're not.
Until I write next, which hopefully will be never, or maybe just until there's bad weather or I have something good to say.


I wont miss you, blog
fuck you, facebook
You are stupid and I dont understand you, twitter
you make me look like an asshole, touch phone

this is how fucking sick you make me

Content from All Corners

did you ever make forts?
blankets with book and pot weights
we became the architect of our dream homes
and morgage was not a vocab word
the building codes were within the living room dont break the vase
you got to stay up as late as you wanted if you built a fort only.

I'm in the bed that I grew up in.
The one thats seen me in every state
but still loves me and holds me without second thought

I'm content from all corners

RUNNING out of RAIN clothes

I'm running out of rain clothes and my summer clothes want to come out and play

It's the last day of school and its just as exciting as it was in fifth grade.  

I can't wait to play outside with my friends alllll dayyy.

Just get sunny, Oregon

CHEERS TO SUMMER2010

.dia de las ballenas.

No One's Going to Tell Your Story

...unless you become the president

I'll tell my own

and I will not fear the past

yeahso im not stable or sober

wouldnt want to be anyother way

but disheveled and running

running through life

running fast fast fast

speaking fast spanish dating fast lives

running and screaming 

but writing and creating

If you are in your element

you look right

you look good in your element

and if you fight the way your hair curls

you'll look like just another

and maybe you are just another

but those adornments look foreign to you

they are objects sitting on your skin

instead of collections of a life well traveled.

an age old entry

from the diary of a classy gal

"It's not what you're wearing, it's how"

do you ever look back on the past and wish you would have enjoyed that time?

do you ever look back and realize that it wasn't so bad?

werrr wer werr watch me

"So quit asking jesus for hell. Go out and find it yourself"

I'll fight and fight and fight for my health

then I'll fight and fight and fight for fun

an equal and opposite, in a sweaty room of mid-life crisis riders

saving themselves simultaneously, the environment

they needed to revise their mission

since their didn't get rich,

their tattoos have faded

and LSD is no longer socially acceptable.

We move through and through phases
phases within the prescribed life cycles

I can at once be a successful adolescent, an inexperienced adult, a beer soaked college student, and an academic hard working focused face, clearing skin, back-packed back, a potential date walking on the campus we heard would change our lives.

we are not one thing nor the other and everyday we are something new.

this might be the best lesson that hides like the best hideandgoseek spot that makes you so nervous you want to pee before your best friend finds you
it's hidden and it doesn't matter who you are today and aren't tomorrow
thats the fun so forget the shame in nudity.

we don't know

we never will

so paint the town

your eyelashes 

and your lover's cheek

AFTER ALL

Life is probably measured in how much trouble you can get yourself into

fucks, fights, dances, and dreams

laughing in dreams

swinging arms overhead

playing the game

saying FUCK YOU to that game

and moving on

what's important is that you're moving

moving, creating

the two best verbs

MOVING CREATING

that's all you need

WORKING SUMMER PLANS 2010

INternship of ftw

application date, recommendation letters and transcripts,

NOPE

Things to do:

·      Hold a Mohawk Stand-“Lemonade Style” 50cent mohawks, maybe less.  Real Mohawks, no faux hawks.  Make it a hot summer day, in various locations, depending on the demographic you would like to enlighten with a higher percentage of Mohawks.  Which, in turn, means more fun.  Charge 25 cents less to take pictures of the ridiculous hairstyles that occur between the mullet and the hawk. Free for girls.

·      Paint a longboard/ skateboard- Find a crazy design.  Tag it you gangster. Draw it with your left hand maybe.  It doesn’t matter what it is, and if you cant think of anything else, just write FTW, or draw a sea-creature, those are always cool.  Whatever you do, don’t draw a peace sign, please.  If you don’t skateboard or longboard you can customize a friends, or sell it to someone looking for a wild ride.

·      Artify your bike- First, clean it, paint it, decorate it.  Make it yours, baby.  Then ride it with pride.  Just ride it.  In your swimsuit, hair flowin, with cute friends, late at night (don’t forget lights!) Get a basket for your bike- by day this is the best stereo holder, by night, a perfect beer cozy.  The best days have both.

·      Roast Coffee- What a perfect summer project.  Or winter project for that matter.  Allow yourself time to perfect the art of the best legal substance.  Imagine your perfect cup of coffee, from the plant in some third world country, to the sissy blended mocha you love.  Get creative, try new ways.  Give it to your mom because you love her and want her to be happy.

·      DIY tattoo- I don’t feel bad suggesting this because if we don’t continue to push back the bars of the law, then we will be even further fucked by a consumerist society.  One where we have to pay at least a hundred dollars to get a timeless piece of art on our arm.  Where will satisfaction live if not doing it yourself?  In drugs.  So, to avoid drugs, DIY. Never mix them, either.  Buy a machine, make a machine. You don’t ever have to tattoo people, either.  Spend a year figuring it out, and then practice on grapefruits to give away as weird presents to your friends.  Tattoo pin-up girls onto melons.  How weird, how glorious.

·      Go thrifting- There is SUCH cool shit in thrift stores that most people will never even know about.  It’s cheap, and malleable, entertaining at least.  If you buy something and end up not using it/ wearing it, then pass it on to the next person in search of a weird find.  Start a collection of weird t-shirts, or make new t-shirts out of old t-shirts.  Sell them. Wear them.  I’ll never buy a new purse, wallet, or belt; there are such cool ones at thriftstores.  If you have a true sense of style, you will not be bored in a thrift store.  The people with real style are the ones who can put together an outfit out of anything.  Some people think style is buying the latest fad but the reality is that the latest fad is that has already been done.  Thus, in order to be a true classy bitch, you make it yourself.

·      Make Mix-Cd’s (formerly mix-tapes)- Put together the ultimate mix with one friend in mind.  Songs that would make this person take their clothes off in public...or want to at least.  Burn the blank cd, and then customize it. Try different mediums like paint, sharpie, stickers.  Take time to make a cover for it.  Make a case, an insert, and make it custom!  What a fucking awesome gift for anyone.  Even your grandma, who is probably really sick of listening to The Worst of the ‘80’s in her car on the way to the Pharmacy.

·      Ask someone on a date-  What ever happened to good old fashioned admiration and pursuit?  As far as I can remember, asking someone to share a cup of coffee, or go on a walk didn’t mean you were walking into a contract.  It might be awkward, in fact, it probably will be.  Bask in that akwardness.

...to be continued IN REAL LIFE

listening to:

Neko case

the yeah yeah yeahs

frank turner

camera obscura

patsy cline (take once daily with glass of water)

dating is stupid... almost as stupid as writing about it

why do we avoid eyecontact
or put on a front
why are we so afraid to say
lets go on a walk
or, more realistically,
let's have a conversation.
there is a need to put out an image
a cold, unattainable front
"you always want what you can't have"
thats bullshit, and so is walking
like you are hiding something

I need someone who is fearless

someone who is not afraid to put themselves

out there

someone to be "old fashioned"

and ask me on a date

take control and own themselves

For when you love yourself

I want to find out why

and I want to love you too

Take the initiative

stop this show it is bad acting

look at me like im a human

and tell me what's on your mind

skip the show

i've seen it

Maybe it's my age

maybe im too young to expect

someone to be fearless

I am fearless

right?

"we dream of ways to break these iron bars"

listening to thrice.

Bread and Circuses

Today I broke the silence

Today I spoke up for a generation that I wasn't sure I was proud of

Against the arrogant hippy of the 60's who has glorified his protest

We have more problems, bigger problems that brought you to the streets

We would be wasting our time with a picket in the street right now

We would be hidden in the shadows of a skyscraper we are not taller its dark down there

Our buildings are then shadowed by our problems

Problems not solved by a sit-in or march

Our problems are solved first by sitting in this room

Education in collecting information

and plotting the perfect revolution

because anything less would fail

What we need is a perfect revolution

and not to justify inactivity

The ones that matter we are concerned

we will be ready to mobilize, but only when we know it will work

we will not run in the circles of the past

because education in its purest forms protect us from the past

I spoke for a generation that I didn't think I approved

Until the empire collapses we will entertain ourselves with bread and circuses

what is inevitable will push us further into our turning our faces seeking searching for something to take the edge off of ultimate failure

This empire means nothing to me, why would I fight for it let it fall, let it fall on the sidewalks of DC and on the houses of congressmen, because only then will they will care about what you and I have been screaming all along.

We can scream and scream but they wont hear it until it is their children screaming for their lives

and I am not afraid

no, chuck, I am not afraid because what we will do is more than any greatful dead legacy can leave behind

because what did legacies ever give us?

a resting point?  an excuse to throw in the towel?

12 years of Bush.

bushbushbush

so stop fearing the Roman Empire

because what is coming will be much better

We eat petty amusements 

 more valuable than water 

Listening to: Converge, Black Cloud

His name was Robert Paulson.

Existential Crisis of the Day:

Invention vs. Authenticity

Authenticity is being true to who you already are, or would be if it weren't for all the distorting images

Is this as authentic as you'll ever be?

We come into this world "mewling and puking in the nurse's arms" thinks Shakespeare

Existentialist is coming into existence, and then deciding what you are to do with it. 

He decided his course.  He really fucked that one up.

Foucault thinks that there is only one practical consequence and that is to create ourselves as a work of art.

No one told them their purpose, so they became art, what else is a girl to do?

Nietzsche said there is one thing that is needful and that is to give style to our character.

"-- A great and rare art!  It is practiced by those who survey all the strengths and weaknesses of their nature and then fit them into an artistic plan until every one of them appears as art and reason and even weaknesses delight the eye.  Here a large mass of second nature has been added; there a piece of original nature has been removed-- both times through long practice and daily work at it.  Here the ugly that  could not be removed is concealed; there it had been reinterpreted and made sublime." - Nietzsche

Its taken me 19 counts

heartbeats, breaks, attacks

to read

in, on, about

what makes a life worth living

its not you, or you, or you

its me, im no plain lady
but yes, a lady does

take value in the enterprise

of self interpretation

Behind the darkest dead charred bushes

of the blackened bombed city and country and world of someone you knew once called home before he left it like you want to leave yours he never wanted to be a soldier he just wanted to live his gay life educated and they stopped and strapped an arm and they sent him to kill there he was cheyneyed to a chain naked stress position is a gross understatement hell never be thirsty again waterboarding made him hate water and aire he hung their towels and spray painted i hate freedom with his eyes and imagined mailing it from behind those Bushes in the Cheneys.

  

lets not forget where we come from, now.

Listening to: Portugal The Man, American Ghetto (new!)

Hank Williams III- Damn Right Rebel Proud

Ryan Adams- Easy Tiger

T.A.N.D

Son, Cover Your Ears

1849 was a great year for red lipstick and a free fuck

i see you standing by the saloon piano blue oxford sport coat patches and much bluer eyes

a thick brow and dark glare makes insides light up like a wind up skirt goosebumps on flexed heeled legs

the legs that became your universe and your gods in the flesh

the clothing pages of your bible, no clothing pure enlightenment

you are pious to that saloon but you're to stubborn to notice the christmases celebrating you

red and heavy breath christmas lights around a window decorating your areas

the stench of saloon piano bounced my ears and grated my naked arms to move

who cares if rich men want to exploit this aire and cease to breathe but smoke europeans

as long as I can afford an all black dress and rouge I will swing these arms around your saloon

flay my hair because i deserve every inch of this place and I will have it.  i will have you.

There are just a couple things

better than new music :

http://www.myspace.com/murderbydeath

...But I can't think of any right now. goodnight moon.

I FELL IN LOVE JUST IN TIME

with the song

SHIT LUCK by Modest Mouse

I am unsure where this song has been my whole entire life but I am really very happy we are together now.  I found love in this song just in time for Valentine's day.

today

Today, I ignored my essay, that I really have no problem actually doing, to go to a punk rock show. I dont feel bad.

Today, I learned that you can't be afraid to wear red lipstick, or show your hips

Today, I did Bikram Yoga I touched my head to my feet and I sweat shamelessly all over the mat I breathed hard and loud and I did it

Good Judgement does not mean being safe

It means realizing your situation for what it is

It means being present

and not saving gifts for tomorrow

because gifts go away

and you die 

you can schedule and schedule your days

but you can't schedule your death

that appointment is first come, first serve

Takes my breath away

No one should EVER

try to remake a Rancid song... especially not Vampire weekend

this may hurt your ears:

http://www.abeano.com/blog/new-vampire-weekend-ruby-soho-rancid-cover-and-minimix

In BETter (Helvetica) (K)news:

SCHOOL MAKES YOU PISSED!!!

when you learn the true state of affairs, you become aware, you become pissed.  I've wanted to be an activist my whole life,

and in some sorts, I have been an activist

But now

like history has proven, but then was hidden

it was on a college campus during a protest that exposed a fearless change.

It was defiance, acting out, being fucking fearless

and thats what I'm doing now

Pacifca Forum Protest.

Reading List: Lies My Teacher Told Me by James Loewen

A People's History of American Empire by Howard Zinn (a graphic adaptation)

I am not a Republican

I am not a Democrat

I am not a Liberal

I am your worst nightmare grandparents, you guess.

Bikram Yoga has made me into one of those people that carry around a yoga mat. eh.  Also, however, Bikram yoga has made me into a centered, fit, individual.  If you can survive hell, every single day for three weeks, you can do almost anything.  Sweating 6 buckets a day and touching your feet to your head from behind makes heartbreak look like a bitch.

that is, 26 mini heart attacks a day=prevention of one big one to kill ya

Listening to:  Bleeding Through: Anti- Hero

Recently, also: Morrissey: Years of Refusal

Throwback Goodie: The Nerve Agents: The Butterfly Collection

(might I add that Bleeding Through keeps getting better..!)

Fucking's great lyrics. this is my motivation. inveigh the bronx.

If I'm wrong, I don't care 

If I'm right, I will be programmed and compared 

If I crash, if I fail, I'll be waiting for you deep in hell 

Well it's the loneliest place to go; the loneliest place to hide 

Look at us now, up in the sky! We went and taught ourselves to fly! 

Parasites sell advice and the weak will never trust what they've become, 

they're most safely and perfectly them: 

Kissing 'cause they never fight... 

They fist and they fuck through the night 

Look at them now, up in the sky! They went and taught themselves to die! 

We won't be paragraphed by silence 

We won't be hidden by the phone 

We may appear sidetracked by violence, we may appear as barking dogs 

Nothing is wrong, we are impossibly strong! 

Gather your strength, believe everything you say 

Never break down, follow, or blindly obey! 

Look at us now, up in your skies! We taught ourselves! 

We taught ourselves! 

We taught ourselves! 

We taught ourselves! 

We taught ourselves to fly!

YES YES YES !!!

Led Zeppelin always puts me in the mood

I was listening to Debussy today in the library listening room.  A stale, poorly lighted room.  Nondescript.  You're supposed to get some serious work done in those little stalls with half-assed carpeted acoustics.  You're supposed to seriously focus, they all look the same but if you peek around the corner there might be a intelligent classy looking guy there.  He might look back.  Well I was listening to Debussy because 1900 was a great year for the piano.  Of beautiful composure I was composed to read my reading.  In dreaming of 1900 I drifted to sleep.  Thanks 1900, but I need some Led Zeppelin to get my blood moving.  Led Zeppelin always puts me in the mood, and just may be the most fearless band of all time.  And that's what I strive.  I am fearless, and I wail and I'm not afraid to say BAAAAABBE Im gonna leeeeeeeeaaavee youu

now Im listening to Lucero, because Ben Nichols puts me in the mood too !

Walker Percy

But since neither of these methods of recovering the dogfish is pedagogically feasible---perhaps the great man even less so than the Bomb---I wish to propose the following educational technique which should prove equally effective for Harvard and Shreveport High School. I propose that English poetry and biology should be taught as usual, but that at irregular intervals, poetry students should find dogfishes on their desks and biology students should find Shakespeare sonnets on their dissecting boards ...

listening to: Pandora station AFI

Now it feels good

I'm plainly enjoying life and all its quirks again
I'm proud to say that I survived the flood
and now im a stronger swimmer
and walker and dancer

I'm having fun again, perhaps more than before
At least, I feel excited again
to experience everything I have not
My days are full, and so is my heart

I am full of laughter, and confidence and excitement
Excitement for whatever comes next
old friends, new poetry, black clothes, and new panties

New panties make everything feel better
like your ass.

I've got these fresh eyes
They arent afraid
they get drunk and lost but never alone
These fresh eyes are looking for the next fun to run around
They are not tired, but fun and confident and hopeful
Energy and Laughter and Dance are new verbs
revisted verbs, I dont remember ever having someone to dance with
..now I dont need anyone to dance with.

I don't need anything
I am.
right now, I am and thats all

and Tiger Army is and will always be, so I'll get a free tattoo.
NEVER DIE

Every day in every way...

I am becoming more myself.

I can ace an anth exam all by myself

while simultaneously moving and scheduling a job interview

I can smile and laugh and forget to eat because I'm enjoying life

while being cold I haven't felt my toes all week

I am becoming ambitious again

I have mantras and I have the best friends, and even more coming

I feel the sunshine in 20 degree weather and I like the way my skin looks in the sun.

I listen to great music, the best actually

I'll take my heart elsewhere and share it too

I'm not fucking afraid anymore.

I'm not fucking afraid.

I've never been so proud to have such a tattoo.

abundance and ambition go hand in hand

listening to: "a little bit more" by The Good Life

you are the "you" in every song

everything I write nowadays begins with "this sucks"
because it does.
no matter how deep into distraction or motivation I get, it always comes back to this.
I dont know what I want in life
I dont know what I want in this present moment
the only thing I am sure of is that I would do a lot of things to be with you.
anything, really.
I have a hard time believing that the whole thing was a dream, or a lie.
I have a hard time believing this is real.
I hate this so much, all of it.
I want to listen to themusic and be happy.
please save me soon.

listening to: outlaw heart tiger army


On second thought
whether I should go to the gym right now and run on the running machine
but then again
I would probably get more excersize drinking
I hear the celebration outside and I will join them