the hard way

Just trying to make enough friends to have a good turn out to my funeral! 

"life is short
despite of your plans
so tell the girls they're pretty while you can"
listening to: lucero

no traffic, no trees

 I don't know what exactly, but this picture captured something interesting happening.  There are so many ways to read into it.

Last night made my dreams come through
My little girl big girl dreams were made real
When I became exactly who I 've always wanted to be.  last night
I've made friends who make my life so rich and colorful.  Friends of all ages, who treat me as an equal, I am one of them. A grown up perhaps...nahh

I've reunited with my best friend, I feel a piece of my being back in its place
It feels natural and right and I can't stand to listen to what other people think
Things are so clear, in some ways right now
What's clear is how I feel. and that's hard to find sometimes.

Its easy to say this is the best time of my life.

this is the best time of my life.

 

he's back in my life and it feels right

wow, I guess this is the part in life where I learn to forgive

which, sounds fine and easy

but it wasn't until just now that I realized I've never had to do it before

never really

Maybe I wasn't before, but I am ready to forgive now

I am in my happy place

listening to: utter silence &and my stomach gurgling its hungry

before astronomy 11/8/10

and today I breathe a calming exhale

taming the nerves that had peaked to tell me that after one year that I indeed, unlovable

And I know I shouldn't let that story ruin it for me.

But when the dress slipped over my head, 

my whole body filled the room and my angst about how you left me, left me

And if time really is so fucked up that it would let me feel those very same feelings of today last year,

then condemn me now for whatever I have coming

For letting boys fall for me, knowing what I've done

The high of the kill make me forget your face and name, details like where you're from, what brings you here, what makes you excited

I dont like you, nor love you, but you make me feel like a queen.

And in this moment I'd like to thank the whiskey that gave me the words that gave me, you

A sacrificed drink and ritual

to the God who forgot to love me

Today the sigh of relief I breathe is the numb feeling of getting away with dirty crime

or at least what I'd imagine in a dank murderer's house.

I want the room to be dark enough to dance like no one is watching

and drink enough to sing like no one is listening

Sister judgment, please lets keep this sibling rivalry 

lets ignore eachother four more years

I don't know your children, my new niece.

But this thing I've got going, sister, in the light does not look right,

not yet

listening to: Chuck Ragan

oh to take a look at how things have changed

If you could see what I see right now
from a comfortable seat in a new house that I've never lived before
I look out my new window, at these old leaves, who've recently transformed into a new color of beautiful
They've turned with the season, as have I
They've watched me run home healthily, trip home drunk these leaves
Thank you for your light
I've made it comfortable for myself, you see, or else it wouldn't be so
I've worked to make this my home, my place, and to live with fleeting cares only.

My life is regenerated all my cells have died and regrown into better cells
and the cells of life that I used to hate and be so ashamed of
I love those too
Nostalgia is such a familiar feeling on such a captivating and stunning fall day
I do miss love though, it's not all tough and wild,
it's a vulnerable moment here and there
she misses hugs that are meant for you, and kisses you can depend on
walking through a fall day, there is still a part of this new self that would love a hand to hold my hand without any sort of doubts.
Fall makes a lover just a little bit more in love with the idea
of looking someone in the eyes fearlessly, without guilt or the influence of the outside
its not uncomfortable, or forced

Think back to more careless time
when having a sleepover was the height of your weekend
and phone calls were treats
I dont know if I miss innocence
looking back it sure was a good time

my heart desires simplicity, wherever he is.

listening to:

Thrice

Two Gallants

Tim Kasher & The Good Life

Murder By Death

The way to my heart?

coffee and a mix tape.

What feels good right now is s l o w music

im thinking about kissing

old fun kisses

new weird kisses

kisses do not expire

don't call me a vamp for loving kisses

I also love

playing superman after dinnertime

indian leg wrestling

the game ha, when you and your best friends make hexagons on the carpet,

share bellys to rest your head and laugh away the years

snuggling is divine. absolutely divine.
The way to my heart?
Someone unafraid to snuggle. hard.

It must be boyfriend season because i feel my little hand a little bit cold and longing for a larger hand to warm it.

With the rain comes the internal yearning for someone to warm your cold feet on

someone to wear fuzzy socks, drink tea with both hands, speak in whispers

whats better than rolling around in leggings and flannel with someone who thinks you're cute? not much, if anything

winter is for lovers

just made a playlist for myself, just for me.  I'll call it "masturbate", so no one is tempted to go peek at it because it is just for me.

listening to: Tim Kasher

I watched you struggle

It was an impossible departure
one you could hardly stand
I watched you fight wars of past years
wars unfinished by your grandfather
all that just to turn your head
and try not to kiss me goodnight

I watched you pry your bloody body off of the pavement of a rioted street
in an impossible feat to win against any authority
you turned your head breaking all of your vertebrae
snapping your neck in the opposite direction of my lips
pulling the magnestism of the moon,
thinning the crust, and making it an oblong elipse
rather than a perfect circle
I disrupted your orbit as you tried not to kiss me

The whole walk home was a hundred mile an hour windstorm, but only on your side of the sidewalk.
You swayed and uprooted and flooded and fell
 and in the epicenter of that natural disaster,
you held an upbrella for me, so that a drop would not touch my skin.
my skin.
my skin.
my skin.
You didn't kiss it, and that hurt you.

The pain in your eyes were that of a famished family.
whose water was polluted by the industry
an industry out to destroy you
a burning, yellow and blue pain
a blinding visibility straight into the most honest feeling ever felt by man.
each one of my wispy blonde hairs was a stab right into you
wherever it hurts most

... to be continued

listening to: the good life

i'll find you

"An omelet of disease awaits your noontime meal
Her mouth of germicide seducing all your glands"

listening to: The Diamond Light (new obsession)

A-NA-NA im still me

 

and as i sit by the fire,

 I wish I were doing more rowdy things

listening to: Dance yrself clean by LCD soundsystem

$

I am scared beyond all hell of banks and robbers and theives
and those who live beyond their means
like me
I guess I didnt realize where exactly my means were, until now that it's too late
and I'm deep in the once a month payment
Three times a month
for the rest of my life
They say not to get married until you have traveled the world,
because then you are just tied down, and money gets in the way
and then you never travel.  I am married to my debt.
I am fucked sideways with money that I will someday probably never pay off.
And if I do get extra money, I will not spend it on my husband but on getting straight
It will never be straight

but everyone does it

 so is it okay?

bw

Dancing in the River Bed

When I was kindergarten's age I went to Catholic school

I wasn't old enough to wear uniforms

but had I stayed I would have worn a uniform

I was the leader, I was the little mermaid and the pink power ranger both

I was not a Catholic

or maybe I was

One time the teachers took an apple that my friend had bitten to the principle's office

It was a carved face, an accomplishment

I was jealous that it wasn't my apple

In all of beauty's flaws, keeping what's important in your clear line of vision

is pursuing a beau at a party

with 100 other beaus

remember what's important, but moreso who

you aren't real

and I'm only here until I can move onto the next place

next grade, next life, next job, next house, next party

NEXT

NEXT FAD

Only when I choose,

I will be a permanent person

and just because I don't talk about you out loud

doesn't mean you're still not part of the conversation

or that you are not there

Your name is forbidden, but

You still exist

You still exist, you still exist

Old friend, you ruined me 

for a short time on the playground you were my bully

you taunted my pink bunny

when he was my only friend

you kicked him in the snow

the dirty part

 and then you ran off, faster than I could ever run

When you befriended her was the worst

you knew she was the worst

and when you started making grass houses for fairies

that was our game

with her

My whole village was pillaged

as easy as a T- Ball game's snack time

You forgot about me

or maybe you'll never forget 

about the time we spent in code languages

in the furthest corner of the playground haven

in the hallways making promises

in different classrooms, awaiting reunion

at lunch time, eating weird food that our parents embarassed us with

but we loved.

I have not forgotten about our best friend bracelets

I still have mine

listening to: morning noises outside my window,

a calm aftermath to a massacre of a night

Can you keep up?

Day ONE:

Starts tomorrow.

let's cleanse this detox this 

baby's body

eleven days without anything I cling onto, partner.

 CLEAN that garbage off your face, and OUT of your body

Do you hear me, misses?

OH, and go here, http://thewildernessdowntown.com/ NOW.

yes, NOW.

Listening to:

Arcade Fire (duh)

The Black Keys

Neil Young

Ryan Adams

Trampled by Turtles

Thrice (always)

You can't be 20 on Sugar Mountain

Today is my birthday?
I've hidden from most people trying to call me
I feel melancholy

This 20th year of life
if I survive
should be the best
I'll begin with more tattoos
more me

I feel lonely on my 20th birthday, even though my mother is trying her hardest to make me feel excited
She's buzzing around the kitchen pretending to be happy
And I'm trying my hardest not to just cry
A friend of mine once said that she's cried on every birthday she's ever had
It must be like holidays, the same reason I hate Christmas, Thanksgiving, all of the annuals.  birthdays.
I hate when people make you feel like you should feel happy
thats fake.
You should feel how you really feel
or else you're disappointed, and  a little lonely.

The new Arcade Fire is a little comforting
because they are always sadder than I, at most moments
I'm going to hike my mountain, because I can lay everything down on it
and it will take the burden off my shoulders.
It doesn't mind taking my little tiny thoughts and recycling them into it's massive, solid abyss.
Why does the mind resort back to a once feeling of comfort when it feels sad and lonely?
Why does it remember that one person who comforted you once upon a time, even if that doesn't exist anymore?
Why does it go back?

You know what I want for my birthday?
to pack and move on to the next location.

We are the whiskey sisters.

.a lot of things are clear now.  that these relationships we've forged aren't that at all. they are set in gold, hard as rock, real, concrete things.

"We are the type of friends who will go to a party together, split up and do our own thing the whole time, meet up at the end of a night, and go home together"

.We sing songs in the car, and tell stories in a language that we've made up on our own.

.we curse like lady pirates, the important part being the ladies.

.we tell eachother to "shut the fuck up", when no one else will.

For two years we've tried to find better, and alas, we have not found better than what we started with right here at home.

MOVE TO ME.

Things that don't scare me

There's no way to reflect on a summer like this one
The naked-whiskey-wild-outdoors-summer, Idaho 2010
There is no way to capture how in love I've fallen with life
all over again
I'm in love with my life, and there is no middle MAN to bring me there


I've breathed the aire of the outside hikes in the valley of the sun
I've absorbed the sun to the capacity of my skin
resulting in a beautiful kiss that spans my whole body bronze like my Mexican heritage
And I've kissed!
oh, I've kissed
Because I'm young
And in my youth I'm doing that which my young heart desires


I'm liberated from the anxiety I've accumulated over a life time
the same stuff that was about to kill me dead

Whiskey Formal

MY GIRLS ARE THE ONES TO SAY
what you need is a shot of whiskey and 
here, borrow my leather jacket.


they know what you need,
and sometimes its as simple as support, 
dance music
nudity
and strength in numbers

weird friends are the best friends

we're not grown up, or poised sometimes.
But we're young and reckless, and enjoying our healthy bodies and cultivating healthy minds.
We'll gladly make you one too.
FEARLESS

listening to:
Lady Gaga

THIS IS A BLOG POST BY

DEZIDERATA

The name of this blog post is

THE BLACK KEYS

It's just nice when you can count on a band to put out a barn-burnin' album.  I'm not even all the way through and its gained my respect as an album that I can't wait to make memories (or love) to.  Their fried eventful love lives have sparked new words and feelings about sex that only works to expand our scopes, visions, expectations and abilities to love and be loved.  They, and a lot of music remind us that even when feelings are not happy feelings, they deserve attention and notoriety just like the happy feelings we love to brag about.  Also, that something so painful, can be translated, through the wires of an abstract self afflicting mind, into something more beautiful than love itself.  

LET ME RANT FOR A SECOND

THIS:

Has been my reality recently.

BAD COFFEE

Anyone who knows good coffee can join me in saying that this is an abomination.  This is gross, and it hurts me to serve this to people who really don't know better.

These people serve bad coffee

but their coffee is consistently bad.

+add a legacy of 19 years

/divided by hundreds of regulars who crave this bad coffee

multiplied by lots of bad habits and the expectation for this coffee at an unreal speed=

speechless dezi.

I serve these people their shitty coffee like I let kids believe in Santa Claus.

with a guilty conscience.

The oatmeal and toast that I'm eating is way more interesting than digging into myself for stuff.

but here's some websites  and links that will tickle you a bit.

http://foodgawker.com

http://fuckyeahcutehair.tumblr.com/

http://twitter.com/vivadeziderata

http://neighborhoodies.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLTIowBF0

kE

fun fun, out of the sun

now lets ride our bikes twelvemiles to the north

flirt with the river on the way up

eat at our fav lunch spot

dont forget bug repellant, I can't donate anymore

soak it up, kid

angry bitch, dirty bitch, brooke trout, TPET.

Inquiry

This is not my summer to take the pictures

Nor the summer to talk about past summers

not a watching summer but a doing summer

This is the summer to get edgy and wild

and sometimes that means being the first one naked

That's a responsibility I am willing to take.

When you let go of the story of "who you are" and "who you've been" and "what's happened to you", when you stop telling the story of "why you are who you are" yeah, the one you've gotten really good at.  When you forget that, you inquire back with your body in the moment.  You feel the weird sensation of living in the right now.  The one you feel but 10% of your life because you've wasted it telling that story.  You feel the sensations of now, and the weight of the past lifts off.  Takes off, until you bring it back.  That's when you realize that those things that scared you into being the person you are today, those are just memories, they are gone forever and they can't come back to hurt you anymore.

cant stop wont stop:

Minus the Bear-Omni

Led Zeppelin

Reckless Kelly

Lady Gaga

Homemade Bluegrass Pancakes

An evening sun hike
dusty, buggy, predictable trail
grooves of a southern country echo the valley

the one that welcomes outsider
its summertime in the homeland, there's nothing more comforting

The coffee's really strong but it sort of has the effect to remind you

that life can still be rich and bold

and dark can be energizing.

Last night was the Lunar eclipse

I didn't stay up to watch it

that moon has me at it's mercy

but today feels good, 

and maybe its because of that

There's a lovesong and a pokemon card called Lunatone, I guess:

sweet.

I don't know what I'll do when the World Cup is over

its the best morning routine ever. 8 am game with a cup of coffee

father/daughter time

goooooooooooooool URUGUAY!!!!!!!!

Here's to Today:

Let's get real

ITS HERE!!!!

NITND summer 2010 soundtrack

pleasure your ears

crack a smile and a pbr

inhale the river exhale into summer

1.Foxglove- Murder By Death

2.Poor Fool- Justin Townes Earle

3.Summer Angel- Minus the Bear

4.Tears Don't Matter Much-Lucero

5.I've Got it All (Most)-Modest Mouse

6.As Long as there is Whiskey in the World - Murder By Death

7.Alive-Nekromantix

8.Tonight Aint Gonna Be Good- Lucero

9.Things That Scare Me- Neko Case

10. Why Can't He be You-Patsy Cline

11. Stone Cold Crazy-Queen

12. Idaho Cowboy-Reckless Kelly

(optional)Natalie's Rap-The Lonely Island

14.Bobcat Tracks- Old Crow Medicine Show

I've never been so wild.

never craved dirty ankles and matted hair

I've never not chosen responsibility

over a rowdy naked cowboy camping night

I'm living for free

well, there always is TINSTAAFL, and NIMBY

but im a cheap date whose found love outside

outside in the land that until now was only a fence

keeping me contained and restless

before this land was a dusty excuse

and now it is a lusty aire escape

I've replaced LOVE with contentment

and contentment is in my day pack when love is somewhere dead on the side of the freeway.

If I died tomorrow

I'd lived the more of a summer than one can plan for

and I'd probably die doing something awesome

I don't know what I'm doing because i've never gone this deep into 

all

but

DOING BEING EVERY moment of it

just fucking forget about me

I'm going to disappear for the summer
because im sick of communication and what you fucking do to me
I'm looking for inspiration in disgusting places
Im frustrated, and suffocated by the indoors
and by people who want to talk about life
my restless mind has woken me up this morning
not that I really ever slept
or needed rest in the first place
I wont sleep till im tired or eat till im hungry
just as much
I'm not coming home to rest my head until I've explored your woods to my satisfaction
It's not the vastness of the city that is choking me
it is the way we feel so fucking important here
the size of this city makes people feel bigger than they are and even if you've known them for life they'll still try to make you believe so
I'm so fucking sick of these status updates and entries and clever fucking posts because I don't get anything from them
I hate drinking I hate eating I hate smoking I hate this schedule
it is fake and it is fucking my body up
I have so much energy that I dont know what to do with
I've never had so much energy before in my life and if I dont burn it now I will have lost what creativity or sovereign thought that was bursting at the seams
I've never been so wild free careless
just like I've always been
I want my naked summer and I want it now
Where does that begin?  sure as hell not here looking at your fucking ugly face.
My summer does not fucking begin blogging about it and I will NEVER be the type of girl that has a blog. NEVER and you can't make me believe otherwise
This blog should be called : "I'm just spinning my wheels for a second, hold on"
I'll get unstuck soon, just as soon as the ground dries up I'll drive right out of here.
She's going to ask: what the fuck are you doing awake?
And I'm going to reply: "What the FUCK are you doing asleep?? Do you know what sort of time you are missing out on"
It's gross how I feel like I have to wait for a reasonable hour in order to go outside.
In at least 10 minutes I will begin to hike, not away from you, but somewhere that you're not.
Until I write next, which hopefully will be never, or maybe just until there's bad weather or I have something good to say.


I wont miss you, blog
fuck you, facebook
You are stupid and I dont understand you, twitter
you make me look like an asshole, touch phone

this is how fucking sick you make me