College teaches me
even if I could make myself happy
if I could get over my petty issues and emotional baggage
if I would love myself and others again
I would not fix the problems of the world
one way or another corruption would overcome all the good I could do
Even if I were to feel good
things would not be good
it would just be me tricking myself long enough to feel okay
maybe get married buy a house
things that make you happy right
and when you get those things
reality sets in that you are buying corruption
and your husband is cheating
If life is a series of depressions
with a hint of joy once a year,
what a fucking tease
why would I ever want to do this
over and over and over
I'd rather see what's next
and if its nothing
at least I wouldn't have to pretend
pretend to live and love and be strong
try to self medicate and sugar coat what realy does suck
and people trying to help me agree:
that this does just really suck
this is a shitty situation and shitty luck and horrible circumstances
and even the one who said he'd always be here for me
isnt.
p.s. I wrote on the bathroom wall for the first time
it was a chalk board and i wrote
the fear of death is irrational
