I've had this blog for years.  years. years.
The poor thing I've never loved and only come to it when I'm most desperate for immortalization
I let my life flow and flow and flow without writing it down
until it comes to this desperate climax when I desperately need to put it on paper and make it real
Not only for the sake of creation, but as my  contribution to those population of people who aren't normal.
I don't do day to day without a second thought and it is an absolute necessity that I reflect, and sit quietly, and nurture this creative beast, this unnamed energy, this sense of knowing of another universe.  If I ignore it I die, and if I do not cultivate it, I get bored.
You don't want to see me bored.
You know, I'm not the best at anything.  I'm a little bit good at a lot of things and in the past couple days I've been down on myself about that.  I'm not a specialist nor do I have a lot of follow through with a lot of the projects I conceive.
And it is so obvious that what I do every single day defines me.  Well what the fuck is that?  What I do everyday is try to act like I know what  I'm doing, and make it seem like I was born with red lipstick on. People become what they think about.  Well if what I'm thinking of is more of a deep desperate hope that one day I can relax into the being that I really am.
I need space to be vulnerable and imperfect.  I only want people who love me the most this way.

I love you so much it drives me crazy.  That when you're not here for me to just kiss every inch of your godly skin, I feel muted, and incomplete. You have much power over me, more than I ever want to admit.  You're the one that I want for breakfast lunch and dinner.  I want you in the sun, in a foreign place.  I want you in our home, asking me to dance.  I want you surprising me, and making me laugh until I can't breathe.  I want you now and forever.

I'm constantly overwhelmed by how hard I fell, but overwhelmed is not surprised because you and I both know that this was meant to be.  Day one with you was an exhale,
I am finally in my lovers arms, and all is right.

I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid of giving up.  I'm afraid of boredom and loneliness.  I'm afraid of sadness, and starting over.  I fear these things, but thinking of these things in the context of looking at you, and knowing that you and I will be, I feel a little better.  I feel a little stronger.