Every day in every way...

I am becoming more myself.

I can ace an anth exam all by myself

while simultaneously moving and scheduling a job interview

I can smile and laugh and forget to eat because I'm enjoying life

while being cold I haven't felt my toes all week

I am becoming ambitious again

I have mantras and I have the best friends, and even more coming

I feel the sunshine in 20 degree weather and I like the way my skin looks in the sun.

I listen to great music, the best actually

I'll take my heart elsewhere and share it too

I'm not fucking afraid anymore.

I'm not fucking afraid.

I've never been so proud to have such a tattoo.

abundance and ambition go hand in hand

listening to: "a little bit more" by The Good Life

you are the "you" in every song

everything I write nowadays begins with "this sucks"
because it does.
no matter how deep into distraction or motivation I get, it always comes back to this.
I dont know what I want in life
I dont know what I want in this present moment
the only thing I am sure of is that I would do a lot of things to be with you.
anything, really.
I have a hard time believing that the whole thing was a dream, or a lie.
I have a hard time believing this is real.
I hate this so much, all of it.
I want to listen to themusic and be happy.
please save me soon.

listening to: outlaw heart tiger army


On second thought
whether I should go to the gym right now and run on the running machine
but then again
I would probably get more excersize drinking
I hear the celebration outside and I will join them

thats what I needed

I stayed up all night
with more than best friends, family
I needed to remember that they were real and that there are people that make me feel at home.
Lonely and disconnected because I thought I could do without them
I thought I could make new friends
and that didn't happen
I lost myself being bored with new friends
just for the sake of having friends

I'll never make friends like these people and that could be disheartening
because there is only so much I can take reruns of souls conversations
before I ask whats wrong with me why cant I make friends
But I'll never lose these ones, they are a part of me


Its remembering what it's like to be full
he's not the only one to fill my tank
Home is where your heart rests,
and you can go on and give it away to boys who say they love you
and you can break your own heart alone in a studio
and your heart can become discoloured in the rain
but when you come home, it replenishes your heart.
refills, repatches your heart and then some

allowing you go back on the road, to give more love to the masses, search for more heartache,

I am a whole human
backed by an army of old souls
and I will not forget what got me here
it was them

the heidis, dakotas, taylors of the world.

I'm moving forward.

whatever

I watched another man
play for another woman
a song he wrote

and I explode
because I remembered that now his song
means nothing
it is fake
all the words
they're not real
they are from a dictionary
and they dont mean anything

I am in ashland oregon
not like you care
or anyone else
I am quite happy
contrary to my tone

I am quite happy
that does not mean cheerful
or nice
that mean inside I am not grieving
but looking for something else to fill me
feel me fill me

My friends around me are drawing
they are clearing their minds of doodles
I am drinking a good soy cap
its not a bad one, but a good one and that makes all the difference

so, moving on
moving out
moving away
moving on
and into a new space and time and period and everything

this time could be called moving
because in a lot of ways im moving
from the apartment that reminds me of great sex
and the apartment that cast me away from the world with people
into solitude and depression and tragedies in 3

I wont tell sarcastic jokes now,
I'll never say never
and I'll never trust friday the 13th
for good or bad, what's the difference anyways.

who knows if I'll ever find what I need

listening to: the decemberists, but not by choice, its coffee shop music

i feel absolutely hopeless

College teaches me
even if I could make myself happy
if I could get over my petty issues and emotional baggage
if I would love myself and others again
I would not fix the problems of the world
one way or another corruption would overcome all the good I could do


Even if I were to feel good
things would not be good
it would just be me tricking myself long enough to feel okay
maybe get married buy a house
things that make you happy right
and when you get those things
reality sets in that you are buying corruption
and your husband is cheating

If life is a series of depressions
with a hint of joy once a year,
what a fucking tease
why would I ever want to do this
over and over and over

I'd rather see what's next
and if its nothing
at least I wouldn't have to pretend
pretend to live and love and be strong
try to self medicate and sugar coat what realy does suck
and people trying to help me agree:
that this does just really suck
this is a shitty situation and shitty luck and horrible circumstances
and even the one who said he'd always be here for me
isnt.








p.s. I wrote on the bathroom wall for the first time
it was a chalk board and i wrote
the fear of death is irrational

I'm selfishly missing his love
and selflessly needing to help
I'll do anything to distract myself
if it will make it better

June 29 11:34 pm

…It’s a first best friend

the first time you have fun that you don’t have to pay for

skipping endless rocks on the river next to daria, or sam your best friend

riding uncool bikes somewhere that no one else goes

we smoked on the top of the world Hailey, Idaho

back porch, Ketcum Idaho

Now, the 4 states range my river playground

I will travel and play and stop to rest on a shoulder

I will find contentment in the mirror, even if it’s a mirror of a rest stop in between

I will get clean in the water of the world and I will bathe in your love wherever I go

When you leave me and let me go

I’ll see your face in the blue sky clouds of the moon

The moon we shared a sleepless night

together or apart

when the moon was shining bright

I love you like I love being free

Intoxicating liberating unbridled uncaring

Irresponsible love

And I hope it never change

You be you and I’ll be me

I’ll see you in the bass of the moon

Youll see me dancing languages of the earth

Its realizing that when something you need like the aire, can smell great too

And you can have your love, and kiss him too.

Listening to: Old Man Markley (new band) and Olin Singles Club Vol.2

I dont get life and I think about death a lot.

Not suicide, just death.

I would like to die because of an animal.
it doesn't matter what kind of animal
that would be ideal though

twentytwelve

Will The Revolution be fiery today

or is it creeping every bumpersticker obliviant alive breathing LA on fire

that city's so dirty id rather smoke cigarettes than breathe their shit burning aire

and it's not a question of whether it will happen, or when

but, how

you can dig a hole so deep but there will always be an end

 you find the other side

or you died of loneliness in a hole

there is an end

Even if the revolution consists

 of the earth taking charge, and paying us back for the wasted time
energy,
dirty sheets
takes matters into its own hands and mouth

like a hooker on a long stint too deep,

There is no means to an end, carpe nocturne

Who cares if the revolution is televised

when revolution

you wont be sitting watching

 safely at home on your tacky couch and tivo.

listening to: Mariachi El Bronx. yess

Listen to Patsy Cline.

On the bikeride home

From the tattoo house

I had a thought that I might get hit by a car.

and in this moment I was comforted

because if I died, all my family members would know that

"The Universe is Unfolding as it Should"

they would know that because I just had it tattooed on my body

and it would be a beautiful reminder

and then maybe they would love it as I love it.

They don't know about it.

no one does.

I've never been afraid to die

and thats not just me trying to be stoic.

I really embrace death, at least for myself

death is like getting a tattoo

It only hurts once

and lasts forever

so, why not?

The thought of other people dying

some other people

ruins me

I don't like to think about it actually.

not even a little bit.

I have a piece of desiderata on me forever.

I'll show you my tattoo when I am good and ready
but right now, its just for me.

I love having music dorks for friends
I am a music dork lover.
because i don't have the skills necessary to be a nerd
i.e. computer skills, and psychic ability when it comes to new music
I do check punknews.org as often as my email
but thats the scope


I am exactly where I want to be
on the right exit to where I want to be
I enjoy this lifelong roadtrip.
I stop sometimes at national parks, world wonders
ill stay for a couple days
other times I stop at ugly gas stations.
they are toxic and I feel ill for awhile
there is nothing to be said for the scum of america.

What I will be listening to today: duh, all the Lucero that my music nerd friends surfaced.

If I were the sun

I would shine a little brighter on sundays in order to save millions of people from the depressing coma of a day.

If you ever hated Mondays,

 you really should just hate Sundays

 for making you anticipate them in the anxious, everything is closed and no one leaves their bed, kind of day.

Sundays are especially miserable for religion and the religious.

There they go, doing the same routine they've done for 30 years,

passing out the bread and body of JESUS

they opted for the lower cost body parts of JESUS

when shopping in the catalogue of jesus supplies.

because they lost their hope in this ritual years ago.

its all show now

and the body tastes like shit

the wine is great. because wine is always great, right?

Passing out wine at mass is the only honest thing Catholics ever did for themselves

i hate days off

rather be working 12 hours each day,

then have a day off 

There are so many times that I can clean my apartment each day. 

what is it, 20 x 20 anyways.

There is nothing left to clean and the spiders bite anyways.

there is a big bite on my jawline,

its like a spider tried to punch me, for being so clean and taking away its habitat

they watch out for each other too.

Today, Ryan Adams doesn't sound good. 

and I feel bad saying that, 

because he just gave up music for good

he finally gave into all of the shit-talkers of the music business

and gave up music.

It's not just Ryan Adams

I'm having one of those days that every song I've ever heard pisses me off

reminds me of a memory much better than this one, 

rips me from the now

to think about that great time that is better than this one.

How can you just give up music like that?

It's not like a breakup, where you can just avoid your old places in order to avoid your old lover.  

You can't just screen your calls or listen to another cd in your car thats not "we are so in love mix volume 6"

You can't avoid music, can you?

I don't even care to try, really.

when all else fails, put in Queen or Led Zeppelin.

I'm not the type of Girl to get emotional or insecure in love.  I don't get jealous or needy.  I don't need reassurance that he loves me. 

I don't need a ring to say we'll be together forever.

Often times, I get distracted while taking pictures.

At the subject of the picture.

Like taking kissing pictures.  I get so wrapped up in the kiss that I'll forget to take the picture, or I'll take a picture of the sky.

getting a kiss is more fun than getting a picture.

everyday.

I made an understood silent notion to myself a long time ago

To never miss out on life experience.

I will never miss the concert because I am trying so hard to take pictures to prove I was there.

You miss something through the camera lens.

Watching a show on dvd is never as good as in person.

and to those people trying so hard to get a picture of Davy's makeup.

You're missing the song.

I would rather remember the feeling of being at the show, 

then waste the whole show with the camera phone out

standing still in the pit

taking pictures.

videos.

bs.

greg graffinbad religion

Now is when I go outside and pretend its not sunday

by keeping myself busy with dumb tasks.

some tasks are fun

i need to speak spanish. tareas.


Sunday Tasks:
.Go for a long long long run until it hurts.
.Get iced coffee and add copious amounts of cinnamon, no cream.
.learn a new song, probably lucero
.work on painting of greg graffin and jack vp
.do laundry

I will be listening to today: "Sigur Ros" because I've never given them a chance.

and "The Bronx" to run to, because they make you want to run fast or punch people.

It was Tom Gabel

from against me!

who told me today that it is okay to feel off

these feelings of being inside and out of control

these crusty glue eyelashes from tears i don't know why

love is leaving for a long time and I feel it in my energy centers

fucking hippy chakras

I burn knowing that I have to go to work now

it was fun being a kid

playing outside until mom calls me in

kissing as a dare, and chasing flashlights

it was fun being in love

and I can't wait to see you again 

but i have to remember what I wanted to do before you were in the picture

no, you are more than IN the picture

you are the picture

I can't do these things with you here

I can't do anything else with you here

and Im afraid that you wont write

because sometimes you forget to eat

and drink water

so why would you write me letters

listening today: The Velvet Underground

becoming

everyday

I am becoming more abroad

strong and beautiful because she isn't worried about herself

but the world.

everyday

I am sittting, climbing more into that huge tree

a tree of wisdom, a strong tree

I am an adult that climbs this tree now

and that changes everything

and I'm too far up to turn start climbing down

I would probably fall

resting on this branch its stable and comfortable.

It's warm and loving, it whispers.

and I don't know if I want to stay in this dark fascinating tree

no, I do.

I want to see what the view has to offer at the top

I will die at the top, with this tree as my witness.

I look down through the bugs and branches, and I see home

no, where i was that wasn't home.

I see the past, and I see what I know.

I trust the aire will tell me what to do.

Lunatics.

This is the culprit.

This is what makes me stir at night

When it's full, so is my mind, with anxiety dreams 

and emotional emotions.

It always manages to surprise me too.

I need to plan my life around this moon.

When it's full I'll run away

to realize my revelation.

love bums me out.

I'm not sleeping right now, because these worthless thoughts are keeping me up.  For once my apartment is quiet, and now my head is the loud thing keeping me awake.  

I am excited to be a badass  barista.  I can't wait to be a perfectionist and make beautiful coffee and make people happy.  Is that weird?  

Read this book:

... it has nothing to do with will smith, I promise.

but it will change your life.

Why the fuck do I even have a blog? I have nothing good to say somedays.  I keep holding myself back from deleting it for some reason, so maybe it will be of purpose someday.

I can't stop listening today: "Grey Britain" by Gallows

To be worldly.

drinking a green matcha tea,

with spices and agave

watching my beautiful gentleman sleep, he never wakes before 9 or 10 if he has any say.

thinking about what I would rather be doing.
I can't really think about much.

When I was a young girl,  I always dreamed of having an all white bed, soft and clean, and it permanently smelled like laundry detergent.

because that is my favorite smell in the whole wide world.

and now I do I have my bed.

My life is better than my dream.

Do you have to have a picture with the eiffel tower to be a worldly lady?

nope.

birthdays are weird days.

I never know what to expect, mostly I don't expect anything.  

maybe I'm a little bitter about holidays

I just don't like productions.

and most all holidays are fake, production.

During christmas, everyone is so fucking stressed and forced to be traveling, or with family they can't stand, or singing songs that make you sick, or buying presents for everyone and their sister while you can't even pay rent.  Two days after christmas are the most empty days of the year. "Merry Christmas" is like saying "I'm going to go hide, and drink until I can't feel just as soon as grandma opens her cruise to alaska."

Easter, Valentine's day, Fourth of July, Cinco de Mayo, Halloween.

They are all reasons to get drunk, and be gluttonous and regret it.

I want birthdays to be different.  

I want them to be a chance to take a walk naked outside.

Amongst every other naked animal

and thats everyone except for humans.

To admire your new, 19 year old body

outside in the aire.

Why not start out the new year in your life, grounded and ready to turn 20?

And I've probably done it all wrong until now.

I've just been getting drunk for the past 18 years like everyone else.

My Birthdays will be different.

I don't think I'm bitter, just honest.

I also like funny jokes.

and rockin' music.

and whales

and kisses

...So I don't really know anything about tattoos, and I don't consider myself well-versed or a viable critic.  I just really like googling : "Bad tattoos" and having a good laugh.

My favorites are the awful, awful, awful portraits that come up. (That aren't meant to be awful)

I wont put any up here, because I want you to find the magic yourself.

  But there are also some really amazing ones that come up, 

I just like looking at tattoos.

dorky? yes. always.

The Most amazing Tattoo of today:

and..

 and...

OKAY, and a bad one, just for fun:

fuck yeah.

I will be listening to today: "Beggars" by Thrice

In no particular order,

These are the worst tattoos of today:

...So congratulations to them.

Up tonight, its rare i don't sleep.  I am too in love to sleep

I can't stop listening today: Thaïs: Meditation, Caffee Concerto Ensemble

i'm not the kind of girl to use acronyms

FTW is my acronym, and it is much more than that.

It is a song, a lifestyle, a motto, a gospel

I do not use LOL or OMG or even OMFG.

In fact, that is the first time I have ever typed them

They just don't get my point across 

But look at me, yesterday I started a blog. who knows what's next (BTW, GTG..?)

I am the Anne Frank of my time.

I have kept a journal since I read The Diary of Anne Frank.

I am the Anne Frank who is not captured, or confined, or hiding

Anne Frank would probably listen to punk rock and rockabilly if she wasn't hiding from the Nazis.

She would probably dress a lot like me

If she wasn't me, we'd be good friends and we'd write about our lives and how we feel day to day.

Feelings and moments, thats really all we have.

now, I don't really know that,  I just made it up, but it sounds about right.

This blog is going to develop day by day.

In my journal, I never set boundaries.  I can have sloppy handwriting, or I can swear like a sailor or use improper grammar, or write things I don't mean.

That helps me to love writing in my journal, because it doesn't care what I write, and it always lets me write in it.

I have to tell you something about myself.

I am in love

I am in love

I am in love

I am in love with a boy who loves me back and I am happy and content and sure of it.

I never anticipated being in love right now. or ever.

There is a time in everyday where there is something missing, my body tells me I need something.  Its like being thirsty.  I'll try to drink some water maybe eat some chocolate.  that doesn't get rid of the deep-set internal need.  it doesn't quench my thirst so to say.  I realized yesterday that its not dehydration.  It's him that needs to fill my day, to quench my thirst.  And that's when I remember how much it sucks to live far away.

 I am not going to brag about love in my blog.

I will say nothing more about how wonderfullybeautifulperfectawesome it is.

Of course he will come through in some of my writing, but no one cares about my relationship, and I understand that.

I don't think this is just a phase.

My bike-riding, coffee-drinking, drawing, writing singing, drinking, laughing, traveling,running, dancing self

ambition.

My Lust needs company

and not just any

 my lust needs him

and him only.

I make fucking great coffee.

so good, that I am excited to wake up tomorrow

and make amazing coffee

and then drink it.

I'm trying to name a new coffee shop right now in Eugene

I am trying to name it:

VITA BREVA

It's really unlike me to come up with a name for something.

I cringe at the idea of naming a band, too much pressure.

It comes from a latin quote.  

ARS LONGA, VITA BREVA

life is short, art is long

life is short, drink a lot of coffee.

...I'd drink to that.

My favorite friend, Taylor.  My favorite dirty chai.  Stumptown, Seattle, WA.

 I can't stop listening today: The Devil Makes Three.