No one should EVER

try to remake a Rancid song... especially not Vampire weekend

this may hurt your ears:

http://www.abeano.com/blog/new-vampire-weekend-ruby-soho-rancid-cover-and-minimix

In BETter (Helvetica) (K)news:

SCHOOL MAKES YOU PISSED!!!

when you learn the true state of affairs, you become aware, you become pissed.  I've wanted to be an activist my whole life,

and in some sorts, I have been an activist

But now

like history has proven, but then was hidden

it was on a college campus during a protest that exposed a fearless change.

It was defiance, acting out, being fucking fearless

and thats what I'm doing now

Pacifca Forum Protest.

Reading List: Lies My Teacher Told Me by James Loewen

A People's History of American Empire by Howard Zinn (a graphic adaptation)

I am not a Republican

I am not a Democrat

I am not a Liberal

I am your worst nightmare grandparents, you guess.

Bikram Yoga has made me into one of those people that carry around a yoga mat. eh.  Also, however, Bikram yoga has made me into a centered, fit, individual.  If you can survive hell, every single day for three weeks, you can do almost anything.  Sweating 6 buckets a day and touching your feet to your head from behind makes heartbreak look like a bitch.

that is, 26 mini heart attacks a day=prevention of one big one to kill ya

Listening to:  Bleeding Through: Anti- Hero

Recently, also: Morrissey: Years of Refusal

Throwback Goodie: The Nerve Agents: The Butterfly Collection

(might I add that Bleeding Through keeps getting better..!)

Fucking's great lyrics. this is my motivation. inveigh the bronx.

If I'm wrong, I don't care 

If I'm right, I will be programmed and compared 

If I crash, if I fail, I'll be waiting for you deep in hell 

Well it's the loneliest place to go; the loneliest place to hide 

Look at us now, up in the sky! We went and taught ourselves to fly! 

Parasites sell advice and the weak will never trust what they've become, 

they're most safely and perfectly them: 

Kissing 'cause they never fight... 

They fist and they fuck through the night 

Look at them now, up in the sky! They went and taught themselves to die! 

We won't be paragraphed by silence 

We won't be hidden by the phone 

We may appear sidetracked by violence, we may appear as barking dogs 

Nothing is wrong, we are impossibly strong! 

Gather your strength, believe everything you say 

Never break down, follow, or blindly obey! 

Look at us now, up in your skies! We taught ourselves! 

We taught ourselves! 

We taught ourselves! 

We taught ourselves! 

We taught ourselves to fly!

YES YES YES !!!

Led Zeppelin always puts me in the mood

I was listening to Debussy today in the library listening room.  A stale, poorly lighted room.  Nondescript.  You're supposed to get some serious work done in those little stalls with half-assed carpeted acoustics.  You're supposed to seriously focus, they all look the same but if you peek around the corner there might be a intelligent classy looking guy there.  He might look back.  Well I was listening to Debussy because 1900 was a great year for the piano.  Of beautiful composure I was composed to read my reading.  In dreaming of 1900 I drifted to sleep.  Thanks 1900, but I need some Led Zeppelin to get my blood moving.  Led Zeppelin always puts me in the mood, and just may be the most fearless band of all time.  And that's what I strive.  I am fearless, and I wail and I'm not afraid to say BAAAAABBE Im gonna leeeeeeeeaaavee youu

now Im listening to Lucero, because Ben Nichols puts me in the mood too !

Walker Percy

But since neither of these methods of recovering the dogfish is pedagogically feasible---perhaps the great man even less so than the Bomb---I wish to propose the following educational technique which should prove equally effective for Harvard and Shreveport High School. I propose that English poetry and biology should be taught as usual, but that at irregular intervals, poetry students should find dogfishes on their desks and biology students should find Shakespeare sonnets on their dissecting boards ...

listening to: Pandora station AFI

Now it feels good

I'm plainly enjoying life and all its quirks again
I'm proud to say that I survived the flood
and now im a stronger swimmer
and walker and dancer

I'm having fun again, perhaps more than before
At least, I feel excited again
to experience everything I have not
My days are full, and so is my heart

I am full of laughter, and confidence and excitement
Excitement for whatever comes next
old friends, new poetry, black clothes, and new panties

New panties make everything feel better
like your ass.

I've got these fresh eyes
They arent afraid
they get drunk and lost but never alone
These fresh eyes are looking for the next fun to run around
They are not tired, but fun and confident and hopeful
Energy and Laughter and Dance are new verbs
revisted verbs, I dont remember ever having someone to dance with
..now I dont need anyone to dance with.

I don't need anything
I am.
right now, I am and thats all

and Tiger Army is and will always be, so I'll get a free tattoo.
NEVER DIE

Every day in every way...

I am becoming more myself.

I can ace an anth exam all by myself

while simultaneously moving and scheduling a job interview

I can smile and laugh and forget to eat because I'm enjoying life

while being cold I haven't felt my toes all week

I am becoming ambitious again

I have mantras and I have the best friends, and even more coming

I feel the sunshine in 20 degree weather and I like the way my skin looks in the sun.

I listen to great music, the best actually

I'll take my heart elsewhere and share it too

I'm not fucking afraid anymore.

I'm not fucking afraid.

I've never been so proud to have such a tattoo.

abundance and ambition go hand in hand

listening to: "a little bit more" by The Good Life

you are the "you" in every song

everything I write nowadays begins with "this sucks"
because it does.
no matter how deep into distraction or motivation I get, it always comes back to this.
I dont know what I want in life
I dont know what I want in this present moment
the only thing I am sure of is that I would do a lot of things to be with you.
anything, really.
I have a hard time believing that the whole thing was a dream, or a lie.
I have a hard time believing this is real.
I hate this so much, all of it.
I want to listen to themusic and be happy.
please save me soon.

listening to: outlaw heart tiger army


On second thought
whether I should go to the gym right now and run on the running machine
but then again
I would probably get more excersize drinking
I hear the celebration outside and I will join them

thats what I needed

I stayed up all night
with more than best friends, family
I needed to remember that they were real and that there are people that make me feel at home.
Lonely and disconnected because I thought I could do without them
I thought I could make new friends
and that didn't happen
I lost myself being bored with new friends
just for the sake of having friends

I'll never make friends like these people and that could be disheartening
because there is only so much I can take reruns of souls conversations
before I ask whats wrong with me why cant I make friends
But I'll never lose these ones, they are a part of me


Its remembering what it's like to be full
he's not the only one to fill my tank
Home is where your heart rests,
and you can go on and give it away to boys who say they love you
and you can break your own heart alone in a studio
and your heart can become discoloured in the rain
but when you come home, it replenishes your heart.
refills, repatches your heart and then some

allowing you go back on the road, to give more love to the masses, search for more heartache,

I am a whole human
backed by an army of old souls
and I will not forget what got me here
it was them

the heidis, dakotas, taylors of the world.

I'm moving forward.

whatever

I watched another man
play for another woman
a song he wrote

and I explode
because I remembered that now his song
means nothing
it is fake
all the words
they're not real
they are from a dictionary
and they dont mean anything

I am in ashland oregon
not like you care
or anyone else
I am quite happy
contrary to my tone

I am quite happy
that does not mean cheerful
or nice
that mean inside I am not grieving
but looking for something else to fill me
feel me fill me

My friends around me are drawing
they are clearing their minds of doodles
I am drinking a good soy cap
its not a bad one, but a good one and that makes all the difference

so, moving on
moving out
moving away
moving on
and into a new space and time and period and everything

this time could be called moving
because in a lot of ways im moving
from the apartment that reminds me of great sex
and the apartment that cast me away from the world with people
into solitude and depression and tragedies in 3

I wont tell sarcastic jokes now,
I'll never say never
and I'll never trust friday the 13th
for good or bad, what's the difference anyways.

who knows if I'll ever find what I need

listening to: the decemberists, but not by choice, its coffee shop music

i feel absolutely hopeless

College teaches me
even if I could make myself happy
if I could get over my petty issues and emotional baggage
if I would love myself and others again
I would not fix the problems of the world
one way or another corruption would overcome all the good I could do


Even if I were to feel good
things would not be good
it would just be me tricking myself long enough to feel okay
maybe get married buy a house
things that make you happy right
and when you get those things
reality sets in that you are buying corruption
and your husband is cheating

If life is a series of depressions
with a hint of joy once a year,
what a fucking tease
why would I ever want to do this
over and over and over

I'd rather see what's next
and if its nothing
at least I wouldn't have to pretend
pretend to live and love and be strong
try to self medicate and sugar coat what realy does suck
and people trying to help me agree:
that this does just really suck
this is a shitty situation and shitty luck and horrible circumstances
and even the one who said he'd always be here for me
isnt.








p.s. I wrote on the bathroom wall for the first time
it was a chalk board and i wrote
the fear of death is irrational

I'm selfishly missing his love
and selflessly needing to help
I'll do anything to distract myself
if it will make it better

June 29 11:34 pm

…It’s a first best friend

the first time you have fun that you don’t have to pay for

skipping endless rocks on the river next to daria, or sam your best friend

riding uncool bikes somewhere that no one else goes

we smoked on the top of the world Hailey, Idaho

back porch, Ketcum Idaho

Now, the 4 states range my river playground

I will travel and play and stop to rest on a shoulder

I will find contentment in the mirror, even if it’s a mirror of a rest stop in between

I will get clean in the water of the world and I will bathe in your love wherever I go

When you leave me and let me go

I’ll see your face in the blue sky clouds of the moon

The moon we shared a sleepless night

together or apart

when the moon was shining bright

I love you like I love being free

Intoxicating liberating unbridled uncaring

Irresponsible love

And I hope it never change

You be you and I’ll be me

I’ll see you in the bass of the moon

Youll see me dancing languages of the earth

Its realizing that when something you need like the aire, can smell great too

And you can have your love, and kiss him too.

Listening to: Old Man Markley (new band) and Olin Singles Club Vol.2

I dont get life and I think about death a lot.

Not suicide, just death.

I would like to die because of an animal.
it doesn't matter what kind of animal
that would be ideal though

twentytwelve

Will The Revolution be fiery today

or is it creeping every bumpersticker obliviant alive breathing LA on fire

that city's so dirty id rather smoke cigarettes than breathe their shit burning aire

and it's not a question of whether it will happen, or when

but, how

you can dig a hole so deep but there will always be an end

 you find the other side

or you died of loneliness in a hole

there is an end

Even if the revolution consists

 of the earth taking charge, and paying us back for the wasted time
energy,
dirty sheets
takes matters into its own hands and mouth

like a hooker on a long stint too deep,

There is no means to an end, carpe nocturne

Who cares if the revolution is televised

when revolution

you wont be sitting watching

 safely at home on your tacky couch and tivo.

listening to: Mariachi El Bronx. yess

Listen to Patsy Cline.

On the bikeride home

From the tattoo house

I had a thought that I might get hit by a car.

and in this moment I was comforted

because if I died, all my family members would know that

"The Universe is Unfolding as it Should"

they would know that because I just had it tattooed on my body

and it would be a beautiful reminder

and then maybe they would love it as I love it.

They don't know about it.

no one does.

I've never been afraid to die

and thats not just me trying to be stoic.

I really embrace death, at least for myself

death is like getting a tattoo

It only hurts once

and lasts forever

so, why not?

The thought of other people dying

some other people

ruins me

I don't like to think about it actually.

not even a little bit.

I have a piece of desiderata on me forever.

I'll show you my tattoo when I am good and ready
but right now, its just for me.

I love having music dorks for friends
I am a music dork lover.
because i don't have the skills necessary to be a nerd
i.e. computer skills, and psychic ability when it comes to new music
I do check punknews.org as often as my email
but thats the scope


I am exactly where I want to be
on the right exit to where I want to be
I enjoy this lifelong roadtrip.
I stop sometimes at national parks, world wonders
ill stay for a couple days
other times I stop at ugly gas stations.
they are toxic and I feel ill for awhile
there is nothing to be said for the scum of america.

What I will be listening to today: duh, all the Lucero that my music nerd friends surfaced.

If I were the sun

I would shine a little brighter on sundays in order to save millions of people from the depressing coma of a day.

If you ever hated Mondays,

 you really should just hate Sundays

 for making you anticipate them in the anxious, everything is closed and no one leaves their bed, kind of day.

Sundays are especially miserable for religion and the religious.

There they go, doing the same routine they've done for 30 years,

passing out the bread and body of JESUS

they opted for the lower cost body parts of JESUS

when shopping in the catalogue of jesus supplies.

because they lost their hope in this ritual years ago.

its all show now

and the body tastes like shit

the wine is great. because wine is always great, right?

Passing out wine at mass is the only honest thing Catholics ever did for themselves

i hate days off

rather be working 12 hours each day,

then have a day off 

There are so many times that I can clean my apartment each day. 

what is it, 20 x 20 anyways.

There is nothing left to clean and the spiders bite anyways.

there is a big bite on my jawline,

its like a spider tried to punch me, for being so clean and taking away its habitat

they watch out for each other too.

Today, Ryan Adams doesn't sound good. 

and I feel bad saying that, 

because he just gave up music for good

he finally gave into all of the shit-talkers of the music business

and gave up music.

It's not just Ryan Adams

I'm having one of those days that every song I've ever heard pisses me off

reminds me of a memory much better than this one, 

rips me from the now

to think about that great time that is better than this one.

How can you just give up music like that?

It's not like a breakup, where you can just avoid your old places in order to avoid your old lover.  

You can't just screen your calls or listen to another cd in your car thats not "we are so in love mix volume 6"

You can't avoid music, can you?

I don't even care to try, really.

when all else fails, put in Queen or Led Zeppelin.

I'm not the type of Girl to get emotional or insecure in love.  I don't get jealous or needy.  I don't need reassurance that he loves me. 

I don't need a ring to say we'll be together forever.

Often times, I get distracted while taking pictures.

At the subject of the picture.

Like taking kissing pictures.  I get so wrapped up in the kiss that I'll forget to take the picture, or I'll take a picture of the sky.

getting a kiss is more fun than getting a picture.

everyday.

I made an understood silent notion to myself a long time ago

To never miss out on life experience.

I will never miss the concert because I am trying so hard to take pictures to prove I was there.

You miss something through the camera lens.

Watching a show on dvd is never as good as in person.

and to those people trying so hard to get a picture of Davy's makeup.

You're missing the song.

I would rather remember the feeling of being at the show, 

then waste the whole show with the camera phone out

standing still in the pit

taking pictures.

videos.

bs.

greg graffinbad religion

Now is when I go outside and pretend its not sunday

by keeping myself busy with dumb tasks.

some tasks are fun

i need to speak spanish. tareas.


Sunday Tasks:
.Go for a long long long run until it hurts.
.Get iced coffee and add copious amounts of cinnamon, no cream.
.learn a new song, probably lucero
.work on painting of greg graffin and jack vp
.do laundry

I will be listening to today: "Sigur Ros" because I've never given them a chance.

and "The Bronx" to run to, because they make you want to run fast or punch people.

It was Tom Gabel

from against me!

who told me today that it is okay to feel off

these feelings of being inside and out of control

these crusty glue eyelashes from tears i don't know why

love is leaving for a long time and I feel it in my energy centers

fucking hippy chakras

I burn knowing that I have to go to work now

it was fun being a kid

playing outside until mom calls me in

kissing as a dare, and chasing flashlights

it was fun being in love

and I can't wait to see you again 

but i have to remember what I wanted to do before you were in the picture

no, you are more than IN the picture

you are the picture

I can't do these things with you here

I can't do anything else with you here

and Im afraid that you wont write

because sometimes you forget to eat

and drink water

so why would you write me letters

listening today: The Velvet Underground

becoming

everyday

I am becoming more abroad

strong and beautiful because she isn't worried about herself

but the world.

everyday

I am sittting, climbing more into that huge tree

a tree of wisdom, a strong tree

I am an adult that climbs this tree now

and that changes everything

and I'm too far up to turn start climbing down

I would probably fall

resting on this branch its stable and comfortable.

It's warm and loving, it whispers.

and I don't know if I want to stay in this dark fascinating tree

no, I do.

I want to see what the view has to offer at the top

I will die at the top, with this tree as my witness.

I look down through the bugs and branches, and I see home

no, where i was that wasn't home.

I see the past, and I see what I know.

I trust the aire will tell me what to do.

Lunatics.

This is the culprit.

This is what makes me stir at night

When it's full, so is my mind, with anxiety dreams 

and emotional emotions.

It always manages to surprise me too.

I need to plan my life around this moon.

When it's full I'll run away

to realize my revelation.

love bums me out.

I'm not sleeping right now, because these worthless thoughts are keeping me up.  For once my apartment is quiet, and now my head is the loud thing keeping me awake.  

I am excited to be a badass  barista.  I can't wait to be a perfectionist and make beautiful coffee and make people happy.  Is that weird?  

Read this book:

... it has nothing to do with will smith, I promise.

but it will change your life.

Why the fuck do I even have a blog? I have nothing good to say somedays.  I keep holding myself back from deleting it for some reason, so maybe it will be of purpose someday.

I can't stop listening today: "Grey Britain" by Gallows

To be worldly.

drinking a green matcha tea,

with spices and agave

watching my beautiful gentleman sleep, he never wakes before 9 or 10 if he has any say.

thinking about what I would rather be doing.
I can't really think about much.

When I was a young girl,  I always dreamed of having an all white bed, soft and clean, and it permanently smelled like laundry detergent.

because that is my favorite smell in the whole wide world.

and now I do I have my bed.

My life is better than my dream.

Do you have to have a picture with the eiffel tower to be a worldly lady?

nope.

birthdays are weird days.

I never know what to expect, mostly I don't expect anything.  

maybe I'm a little bitter about holidays

I just don't like productions.

and most all holidays are fake, production.

During christmas, everyone is so fucking stressed and forced to be traveling, or with family they can't stand, or singing songs that make you sick, or buying presents for everyone and their sister while you can't even pay rent.  Two days after christmas are the most empty days of the year. "Merry Christmas" is like saying "I'm going to go hide, and drink until I can't feel just as soon as grandma opens her cruise to alaska."

Easter, Valentine's day, Fourth of July, Cinco de Mayo, Halloween.

They are all reasons to get drunk, and be gluttonous and regret it.

I want birthdays to be different.  

I want them to be a chance to take a walk naked outside.

Amongst every other naked animal

and thats everyone except for humans.

To admire your new, 19 year old body

outside in the aire.

Why not start out the new year in your life, grounded and ready to turn 20?

And I've probably done it all wrong until now.

I've just been getting drunk for the past 18 years like everyone else.

My Birthdays will be different.

I don't think I'm bitter, just honest.

I also like funny jokes.

and rockin' music.

and whales

and kisses

...So I don't really know anything about tattoos, and I don't consider myself well-versed or a viable critic.  I just really like googling : "Bad tattoos" and having a good laugh.

My favorites are the awful, awful, awful portraits that come up. (That aren't meant to be awful)

I wont put any up here, because I want you to find the magic yourself.

  But there are also some really amazing ones that come up, 

I just like looking at tattoos.

dorky? yes. always.

The Most amazing Tattoo of today:

and..

 and...

OKAY, and a bad one, just for fun:

fuck yeah.

I will be listening to today: "Beggars" by Thrice

In no particular order,

These are the worst tattoos of today:

...So congratulations to them.

Up tonight, its rare i don't sleep.  I am too in love to sleep

I can't stop listening today: Thaïs: Meditation, Caffee Concerto Ensemble